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writtenonreceipts · 3 years ago

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Here’s a Harry Potter fic, it’s just an old Jily fic I found in my files, enjoy. It’s a Canon ifc right around 5.4k words

fine my main masterlist here

The Name of the Game

Year 6- September 2

The one thing that Lily Evans appreciated most about Hogwarts was the fact that escape was possible. Escape from friends, escape from the world, escape even from herself.

It was only the second day of the term and Lily was already feeling smothered by everything. After disentangling herself from Severus Snape at the end of last year, her friends (wonderful as they were) tried too hard in getting Lily to be social and have girl’s night.

Mary, Marlene, Alice, and even Dorcas were her closest confidents while at school. Especially now that she hadn’t been able to reconcile with her sister. Really, she should have been willing to open up and talk to them.

Maybe in a few weeks she would be up to it, but for now she just wanted to mourn.

Running a hand through her hair, Lily shook the thoughts from her head and left the castle. The autumn air was still warm enough that Lily only needed a cardigan to keep warm, her hair hung in a thick sort of mess just past her chin. Thankfully it had begun growing out from the terrible cut she had gotten at the start of the summer. Maybe she could see if Marlene would help her find a spell to lengthen it.

“Hey, Red!”

Lily cringed at the loud and robust call that hailed her from entry way of the Castle. Trying to keep a muted expression, Lily glanced over her shoulder to see none other than James Potter bounding down the steps of the Castle toward her. She was surprised that he wasn’t sliding down the banisters. In First Year, he and Sirius had gotten a month’s worth of detention and a frenzied chase around the castle by Filch. Although, she was sure the boys still found ways to slide down the banisters without getting noticed.

“What did you call me Potter?” she demanded as she continued her walk across the grounds. He, much to her annoyance, kept pace with his freakishly long legs.

They walked down the well-worn path that lead down by the Forbidden Forrest on that late Thursday afternoon. Lily had no real destination in mind, she just desperately needed to walk around after escaping Alice’s pleads for another hour of discussing herbology theory.

Although now that Potter had found her and seemed to be bored, Lily realized she needed to come up with someplace to go quick or else she may be stuck with his presence the rest of the day. Or else she could return to Alice’s side and have another in-depth discussion on mandrake breeding processes.

Given how they’d left things the previous year, Lily wasn’t sure how she felt about being around him anymore than necessary.

“Called you Red,” he replied lightly, his deep hazel eyes catching hers with a near maniac gleam to them. She had a sudden flashback to running about the castle with him in third year trying to get away from Mrs. Norris. “You know, with the fiery red hair, the fiery red attitude.”

She could slap him. Twice. Maybe add an effectively aimed kick. “See, Potter, this is the reason that I choose to ignore you.”

“Ignore me, eh?” he grinned easily his lopsided smile was a force to be reckoned with and Lily had to fight not to crack a smile. “You’ve never been very good at that.”

“Only because you are too starved for attention.” Lily rolled her eyes and waved to Professor Sprout who was maneuvering some rather stubborn looking plants about the First Year Greenhouses. Their conversation flowed easy, too easily, and Lily found herself troubled by it. She should be mad at him. She should be yelling and threatening. And yet, she couldn’t find the energy. Or the desire. The notion of hating him didn’t settle well with her now.

Even after what transpired after the O.W.L.S examination last year, Lily really couldn’t ignore him. She never had been able to. James Potter was an enigma that she couldn’t rightly wrap her mind around.

“And yet, you still chose to satiate my childish need of said attention,” James replied. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, not before Lily noticed, nearly running them through his hair. Lily’s stomach twisted. He remembered the way they left things. Of course he did. Oh, she needed to find an escape route. “What are you up to today, Emerald?”

“Really Potter? Emerald?” She scoffed shaking her head. “I thought you were more creative than that.”

“Well, I was going to call you “love,” but I’d really like to be able to play Quidditch for the rest of the year, y’know?”

“Yes, I agree,” Lily mused, “you really should not call me love.”

James chuckled and Lily noticed (dammit) that he seemed to favor a lower tone, the kind that reminded her of a nicely stoked fire. “So, does Lily Evans have nothing better to do with her day than wander around the Castle Grounds?”

Oh, Lily thought as she finally paid attention to their surroundings. She’d begun to walk in a lackadaisical zigzag pattern, nearing a bit too close to the edge of the Forrest. Potter didn’t seem to be annoyed, just amused. Blast it.

“Well, I’m just clearing my head. We’ve got that Transfiguration essay to write and all.”

“Right,” he agreed, and ran a hand through his hair. Did he really feel that uncomfortable around her? Yes. Yes, he did. And she couldn’t blame him. “I didn’t expect McGonagall to be so intense with us this early. But, she never ceases to surprise me.”

Lily hummed in agreement. “Yeah.”

In truth, while the essay was bedraggling a great part of her mind, Lily was also caught up with thoughts of Severus, her sister, and now the stiff awkwardness she was feeling toward James. Over the summer, while Severus had tried to remain in contact with Lily, she’d finally decided that enough was enough and she wasn’t going to respond. Marlene, Mary, Dorcas, and Alice had all supported her enthusiastically with the decision.

The Petunia Issue was a great deal more complicated. And much to Lily’s horror to the fact, she was slowly realizing that she may need to let her sister go. That thought alone was enough to cause her to want to crawl into bed and never get up.

“Firecracker?” James asked, though it sounded much more like he was searching approval of the name than calling for her attention.

Sweet Merlin, what is this? Lily looked at him incredulously to find that he was failing miserably at fighting back a smile. “Are you serious?”

“No, actually, but I know—”

He was cut off by Lily’s fist trying to connect with his shoulder. Laughing madly, James dashed out of the way and nearly into the line of trees of the Forrest.

“I’m going to tell Black that you tried to make that joke again,” she threatened, but the fear she tried to evoke was lost to her giggles. “I thought you all’d made an oath never to use that on anyone again?”

James suddenly looked very somber. “Yes, I would actually appreciate it if you didn’t tell the boys about that. I already owe them each three galleons.”

“Oh?” Lily was still shaking with laughter as they rounded another corner. “Already? I thought you reset your betting game at the start of the year after you all settled up.”

“Yeah,” James mumbled, a distinct blush flushed his cheeks. “There was a thing, and then this other—I failed again on that front.”

Eyeing him curiously, Lily corralled them away from the trees. While she wasn’t afraid of what was in the Forrest, she still felt a bit uneasy about what lay inside. “Right.”

He kept quiet as they weaved around a patch of boulders and nearer to the Lake. It was curious; James Potter actually seemed embarrassed by something. What he had anything to be embarrassed about, Lily had no idea. Potter was always the calm, savvy type. Albeit a goofball and prankster as well, but this sudden sputtering and blushing caught Lily off guard.

“Why have the boys started calling you Prongs?” she asked suddenly, hoping that would change the mood between them.

His eyes widened, only briefly before his usual easy grin flashed across his face. “Oh, just a bit of a joke between us from the start of last year. Moony couldn’t be the only one with a nickname.”

“Right,” Lily said, though she wasn’t convinced. One of James’ hands seemed to flex at his side. Probably trying to keep from roughing up his hair—again. Lily bit her lip to keep from grinning. “Do I want know where Padfoot and Wormtail came from?”

“Actually, those are funny stories,” James’ eyes brightened and Lily could feel the energy radiating off of him.

“Funny or disturbing,” Lily asked, miming that she was weighing a scale, “because I just don’t know with you.”

“Evans, Evans, Evans,” James chuckled as they came to the edge of the Lake. “Just imagine for me, Peter growing out his hair and deciding to cut it all off except for this long braided strand. He tried to put beads in it.”

Lily let out a laugh and clamped her hands over her mouth. Encouraged by her reaction, James laughed to, continuing the image.

“Evans, I wish I had gotten a picture, for a while there it was a mullet. A mullet that we did not tell him to do. I think he was trying to be a bit more like Sirius honestly,” James glanced out over the glassy water thoughtfully. “We thought he’d grown out of that phase in Fourth Year. We were terribly mistaken.”

Lily sputtered another laugh and had to bit her lip to keep quiet. “Please tell me you cut it off.”

“We got all but that tail,” James mourned. “And he took extra precaution to keep it safe after that. Now, Sirius on the other hand, was much more scandalous. He decided to sneak down into the Kitchen in nothing but his boxers to grab a box of cookies. And then my Mum caught him like that stuffing as many cookies in his mouth as he could.”

They stopped walking now, just at the edge of the Lake. To Lily’s horror, they were near the old tree from last year where most of their issues had boiled over, painfully. Though James didn’t seem too worried about it, so neither would she. Instead, Lily rolled her eyes at the image of Sirius and his lack of modesty. “So, Sirius lives with your family?”

“Yeah,” James’ face brightened at the fact and he looked as though he could talk about it all day. “He does.”

Lily almost asked him what had spurred that, but caught herself. There was no reason why Potter should confide in her like this. There was no reason why they should spend this much time talking to one another either.

After the incident by the Lake, near this exact spot, Lily had been certain she wouldn’t have anything to do with him. She was sure that would be it, that they’d finally go their own ways. Yet here they were.

“Are you just going to follow me around?” Lily finally asked. “I would assume you have better things to be doing with your day.”

His mouth quirks in a smile, he begins to say something before he shakes his head. Biting his lip, James stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Nah. The boys are all in detention. Well, Peter and Sirius are. Remus is…well he’s around. And, I wanted, er, needed to talk to you.”

“About what?” Nice Lily. Hmm, I wonder what you two could possibly need to talk about. It was Lily’s turn to flush and she ran a hand through her hair.

He didn’t look at her as shuffled his feet, hands stuffed in his pockets. James exhaled stiffly and looked out over the glassy surface of the lake, the water reflected sharply in the sun. “I wanted to apologize.”

Lily blinked.

Apologize? As in try to make amends? Wanted? As in he desired to do this and admit he was in the wrong?

“Oh.” Brilliant. That was just a beautiful thing to say to that. Congratulations Lily, keynote speaker right there.

“I mean,” James said quickly. “I’ll be honest that he deserved it. But I should have handled it better than I did. I know he’s your friend and—”

“Was.” She watched a ripple expand over the surface of the water as a tentacle of the Giant Squid skimmed the water.

“Was?”

“Was.”

“Oh.” He frowned deeply and finally turned toward her. “I didn’t know.”

Lily scraped her teeth against her lower lip. She would not start crying. “I couldn’t make excuses anymore.”

“I’m sorry Evans,” he even sounded sincere, Lily realized. They stared at each other for a moment and Lily almost felt a swell of gratitude for him, almost.

“Thanks for apologizing Potter,” she finally said. He pursed his lips and nodded, the fact that she didn’t actually accept the apology wasn’t lost on him.

“No one should ever lose their best friend,” he told he firmly. Something caught his attention as he turned, a broad grin stretching on his features. Lily glanced over her shoulder to see Peter Pettigrew looping awkwardly across the grounds waving madly.

“Prongs! Prongs!” The boy wasn’t as tall as James, nor as slender and lean, but he had a solid quality to him, even as he nearly went tumbling down after tripping over a rock.

“Wormtail,” James called exasperated. He shook his head, but Lily could see the affection he had toward his friend. “You’re going to break your ankle, again!”

“Moony’s here,” replied Peter. He stopped trying to run, opting instead to try and catch his breath, hands on his knees.

“Excellent.” James clapped his hands and tipped an imaginary hat to Lily and smiled. “Thank’s for not hexing me.”

“You didn’t give me a reason to,” Lily replied quietly. She wasn’t sure he heard her as he ran to his friend. The two began talking animatedly as they hurried back to the castle. “Bye.”

Shaking her head, Lily looked back over the Lake. It used to be one of her favorite places to come to and think. It was always one of the quieter places around Hogwarts. Quiet, but with just enough noise to keep her sane.

She stood there for a while longer until she noticed someone come stand next to her. Mary McDonald said nothing as she leaned her head on Lily’s shoulder and breathed deeply.

“Alice is talking about getting another toad,” Mary finally said. “We need an intervention.”

Snorting Lily began laughing and she couldn’t bring herself to stop as she and Mary slowly began to head back to the castle.

.*.*.*

After nearly two weeks, Lily almost forgot about the interaction she had with Potter that day by the Lake. The second interaction. Not the first. That was a lie. They were both still the center of attention to her. But, she couldn’t let them consume her completely. Not when she had to be at the top of her game in her classes and not slack off as a Prefect. Not when the possibility of becoming Head Girl was so close and so possible.

Lily almost forgot about it though. Almost forgot about the nickname game that Potter seemed to be playing.

Almost.

“If it isn’t the Tempestuous Redhead herself.” Sirius Black called cheerfully across the Common Room late one evening. Lily, upon returning from a particularly terrible night of rounds, only wanted to go up to bed and be dead to the world for the rest of her life. Black wasn’t helping matters.

Under different circumstances she might have smiled. But the way Black lounged in his chair twirling his wand nonchalantly, Lily had no qualms about setting him straight with a bat-boogey hex.

“Padfoot,” Potter stage whispered. He sat cross-legged on the floor by the coffee table and could see the murderous expression on Lily’s face. Genuinely concerned for his friend’s safety, he tried to smack Sirius. But, the other young man seemed unconcerned with the looming threat.

The other Marauders seemed at an impasse, be worried or be amused? The general consensus was amused as Pettigrew’s head snapped between Lily and Sirius and terribly hidden smile on his lips. Lupin smirked resting an elbow on the back of the couch, his eyes gleamed with approval in Lily’s direction.

“Care to repeat that Black?” Lily finally asked slowly walking fulling into the Common Room. Black didn’t baulk or shift as Lily glared at him. If anything, he was much more confident. This is why he and Potter are friends, Lily realized suddenly.

“The Tempestuous Redhead,” Black shrugged. His shaggy hair fell across his face casting shadows sharply against his skin. He was actually decently fit. Lily realized she would need to concede in her argument with Marlene over the more attractive boys of Gryffindor.

“Hmm,” Lily raised an eyebrow. “I was going to give you an opportunity to spare your life.”

Sirius propped his feet up on the table, giving more access for James to slap him. Shaking off his mate, Sirius’ grin broadened. “C’mon, Evans, it’s a good nickname. I guarantee you if you have people call you that, those third years will give you less flak.”

“And I can guarantee you that if you continue calling me that, I will murder you,” Lily responded. She held his gaze for a moment before looking between the other Marauders. Pettigrew was giddily bouncing in his seat, Lupin now blatantly smiled as he shook with silent laughter. Potter too seemed to be laughing, but was doing his best to control it. Though, his eyes never left Lily.

“But you could be a pirate with that name,” Peter suddenly burst out. A look of pure terror came across his face, but the damage was done.

“What?” Absolutely flabbergasted at what the blond boy had said, Lily stared at him.

Black, Lupin, and Potter couldn’t fight it anymore and they began laughing outright now. Potter fell back on his elbows, the light of the fire falling on his features and Lily could see dark shadows beneath his eyes.

“Y-you could be a pirate,” Peter whispered horrified that he was still allowing his traitorous tongue to speak.

This sent the boys into another fit of giggles that Lily couldn’t seem to understand. Maybe if she weren’t so tired, if they weren’t all such insufferable gits, she would be laughing with them.

“I-I don’t want to be a pirate Peter,” Lily finally said. She closed her eyes as there was even more giggling and hisses to “shut-up ya fool” and “she really will kill us.” Lily opened her eyes to see Peter had slunk down into the couch so only his eyes and the tip of his forehead peeked over the back. Potter sat up wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “I’m just going to go to bed. When I get up in the morning, I will not be the Tempestuous Redhead, nor will I be a pirate.”

“Agreed,” Peter squeaked as his eyes disappeared into the couch.

“G’night Evans!” Black called as Lily stomped up to the girl’s dormitory’s.

“Sorry!” Potter called not long after.

Lily spent the rest of that evening falling over in fits of giggles as she recounted the encounter with her friends.

.*.*.*

“Lilykins!” It was James who dared to try the naming game again. Nearly a month after the pirate incident Lily had taken hope that it would be just the two times. Hoped in the relative sense. She would only admit to herself, that yes, it was amusing to see what the boys could come up with as nicknames. And if she was being honest with herself, it nice to have the interaction. Despite how ridiculous it always seemed to be.

This time, Lily and Marlene were headed down to Hogsmead, after Marlene had finally settled on a scarf to wear with her outfit. Apparently the first five scarf attempts made Marlene look like she had five chins. Something Lily didn’t see, but there was no persuading Marlene otherwise. James and Remus walked, a bit to quickly about the halls. Stuffing a spare bit of parchment in his pocket Remus waved kindly at the two witches.

“I think I would prefer to be a pirate,” Lily responded mildly as she carefully observed the two boys. They were trying too hard to appear innocent for Lily’s liking.

“I’ll be sure to let Peter know,” James with a wink as they continued.

“We should probably get out of the castle as soon as possible,” Lily decided. There was the distinctive sound of running footsteps and she was convinced that Potter and Lupin were the source.

“Probably,” Marlene agreed. “Although, the pixie invasion of Halloween was rather enjoyable.”

Lily rolled her eyes as Marlene bumped into her with a hip.

.*.*.*

The chill of the dungeons made Lily wish she’d worn a scarf that morning. Even for late November, it was cold. Pulling her robes tighter around her, Lily hurried from Professor Slughorns office. After an incident with a few fourth years the previous night, Lily hadn’t been able to finish an assigned essay, but gratefully, Slughorn now extended the due date for her. Even if it was just one extra day, it still relieved the pressure that had been building in Lily’s chest throughout the week.

Mary had offered to stay back with her, but Lily declined. They had a free period now, and Mary needed to get caught up on her Charms work. A fact the brunette firmly denied, but Lily had seen the small look of relief in her eyes. That and Mary had begun talking in her sleep. It was bad enough that Alice wasn’t a good sleeper, having two in the dorm who would talk or walk unconsciously could only end in disaster.

Lily smirked at the thought. She wondered if there would be a way to get Mary to admit anything in particular in her sleep.

Someone shouted along the way ahead, Lily almost thought it could be Mary coming back, but the voice was too deep. Frowning, Lily glanced over her shoulder, but it didn’t seem Slughorn was emerging from his office, and she knew he had no other classes that afternoon.

“C’mon Rooky,” the voice continued. Lily felt her stomach sink, Avery. Not that she should be afraid of him. Or Rookwood.

“Relax,” Avery responded as he rounded the corner of the corridor.

To her chagrin, Lily’s breath caught and she automatically felt her muscles constrict, forcing her body to become smaller. This was ridiculous. Inhaling sharply, Lily threw her shoulders

Their voices stilled as they caught sight of her, and the only sound in the dungeons was shuffling feet and swishing robes.

“Well look who it is,” Rookwood mused. They were too far down the hall to actually do anything, but the way the torches unevenly lit the way and the small space of the hall made them feel closer.

“The Gryffindor.” Avery’s low voice seemed to slide across the old stone of the dungeons to Lily. Straightening, she did her best to look neutral to their goads.

“The mudblood,” Rookwood corrected with a disapproving click of his tongue.

“Something I can help you boys with?” Lily asked as they drew nearer. They couldn’t be stupid enough to actually try anything. Could they? Slughorn’s office wasn’t too far down, he would hear if anything escalated. But it wouldn’t. There was nothing Lily needed to be worried about.

“Why would anyone want to be defended by a mudblood?” Ignoring Lily, the two Slytherin’s continued their conversation, drawing closer.

No one would blame her if she cast a sticking charm to keep them in place if she ran, would they? But she wasn’t going to run because there was nothing to run from. It was just like Severus said, Avery especially talked a lot, he never actually did anything. Rookwood, Severus never said anything about him.

So now you’re trusting his word again? Lily thought to herself. She pursed her lips as she neared the boys. Neither moved aside to let her pass, if anything they seemed to be moving toward her like a net. A net of stupid and stupider. She needed to stop listening to Alice and her “insults.”

“If you don’t have a purpose in the dungeons, I can give you detentions,” Lily said, rather proud of the firm authority in her voice.

“Meeting with our head of house, mudblood,” Rookwood said. He was the taller of the two, long limbs that were too spindly, his blonde hair too stringy, lips too thin. A slow smile crossed his features. “We could ask you the same question.”

“Besides,” Avery added. He had attractive features, with dark eyes and splashes of freckles beneath his eyes. “It’s a free period.”

Before Lily could say anything Rookwood smoothly continued. “We are free to do what we want. A mudblood like you however, you shouldn’t even be in Hogwarts.”

“Interesting,” Lily deadpanned. “I’ll be sure to tell that to Dumbledore when I see him next: Blood status is more important than talent. I’m sure he’ll agree.”

Rookwood took a step closer to Lily, forcing her to lean against the wall. “Finally, the mudblood understands.”

“About time,” Avery scoffed. “Maybe she’ll see now this can’t be stopped. That there’s no place for dirty blood here.”

“So, you see,” Rookwood took liberty to make another slur, one that tempted Lily to curse his tongue off. “You see, your time’s limited.”

Swallowing stiffly, Lily kept her gaze locked with Rookwood. “I’ll keep that under advisement.”

“We’ll see that you do,” Rookwood’s hot breath on Lily’s cheek made her long for the chill she’d felt earlier.

And just as suddenly as the boys chose to stop and target her, they were gone. After a moment, Lily heard Slughorn’s booming voice welcome to the two boys and a door slam shut. Closing her eyes, Lily felt tears prick and begin to form.

“Bloody fool,” she whispered bracing herself on the wall. Coving her face, Lily took several deep breaths. She was fine. It was fine. They didn’t actually do anything, just like she’d originally thought. Even if their words still echoed in her mind.

The chill returned, a welcome change in the atmosphere. Tucking her hair over her shoulder, Lily straightened and ran. Stumbling into the main hall of the castle, she was grateful to see that it wasn’t busy. In fact, there wasn’t another soul in sight.

Sighing in relief, Lily straightened her clothes, glancing at her watch. She had about a half hour until Ancient Runes; a delightfully difficult class that would require her full attention.

“Everything alright, Evans?” Squawking in surprise, Lily glanced around to see James Potter emerging from a hall that Lily was sure led to the kitchens.

“Fine,” Lily said, though she knew her voice was an octave too high and she could feel her own eyes bugging out of her head. She usually wasn’t this horrid of a liar.

James, unconvinced, nodded. “You sure—?”

“Yes!” She snapped. The word settled between them heavily and Lily instantly regretted losing her temper, but James didn’t seem hurt or offended. Instead, he merely watched her; lips pursed, arms crossed over his chest.

“I am utterly convinced,” he said dropping his hands to stuff in his pockets. They stood in silence like that for several moments longer. Lily began to feel increasingly uncomfortable while James seemed more and more at ease.

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” Lily finally said and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear.

James merely shrugged. “Thanks, but that’s not why I stuck around.”

Quirking an eyebrow, Lily watched as he walked over to her, and not in that lazy saunter he usually favored.

“What did you want Potter?” she asked.

“Just making sure,” he paused and leaned against the wall. His glasses gleamed in the light making as he glanced in the direction the Slytherin’s left. “Just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’m fine,” Lily said with a little more authority than she’d had previously. But, she was distinctly aware that his eyes flashed to the dungeons like hers had and one of his hands dove into his pocket where she was sure she heard the crinkle of parchment. “I would ask if you are alright Potter.”

James snorted, shaking his head. “Please Evans. I’m more than alright.”

“Sweet Merlin.” While it was classic Potter and she really didn’t want to egg him on, Lily couldn’t help but chuckled. “You are insufferable.”

“I do try.” He grinned and followed after she left the dungeons.

Lily rolled her eyes over her shoulder at him. “What were you doing down in the dungeons anyways Potter?”

“Um,” he stumbled up the stairs after her, working over his words. “I don’t want you to hex me.”

“Then don’t give me a reason to.”

James gave a soft laugh as he walked beside her. “Of course not Evans, of course not. It’s just that I know you. And you tend to like hexing me.”

“No more than you antagonize me,” she replied. Though, she really couldn’t help but smile.

James cleared his throat before speaking. “I knew you had a meeting with Slughorn. And then I saw Avery and Rookwood head down there too. And while I know you can take care of your self—I’d really hate to see you get expelled.”

They came to a stop in the middle of the Great Hall as students moved between their classes. Lily turned to look at him, still a bit confused that she and James Potter were having a somewhat decent conversation.

Raking a hand through his hair, James shrugged again. “Well, Evans, once again, thank-you for not hexing me.”

“Thank-you for not giving me a reason to,” she replied, his impish grin and sparkling eyes only made her smile more.

With a wink, James made for the stairs, Lily was quite certain she could hear Sirius bellowing at the top of his lungs for his friend.

“You know Potter, you could just call me Lily,” she burst out as she walked to the base of stairs. Her cheeks flushed immediately as she said it. Sweet Merlin her face was probably the same color as her hair. Crap. Despite that fact, she did her best to meet his gaze as boldly as she could.

Surprise burst across his feature, but only for a moment before his grin returned. “Then do one thing for me in return Red.”

Lily quirked an eyebrow. If he dared ask her out, she would deliver that kick she’d thought of since third year. “Oh?”

“You could,” he stepped up the three steps separating with such quick grace that Lily didn’t have time to stumble back or flinch. James was too close to her now. So close, she realized, that she could smell his cologne and feel the heat radiating off his body. Or was it her own body heat? There was a blush already stretching across her cheeks despite how hard she did to fight it. “You could call me James.”

And with that, he bounded back up the steps towards Sirius’ magnified voice (with a bit of McGonagall mingled there as well).

It was only after he’d disappeared up a few more flights that Lily released the breath she had been holding. Running a hand through her hair, Lily watched the way James went and felt a slow smile slip over her lips.

“Alright James,” she whispered.

.*.*.

thanks for reading!

#harry potter #jily #james potter #lily evans

21 notes · View notes

snapeaddict · 4 years ago

Note

I was fairly certain Remus did regret his actions though. He literally tells Harry that he often stood aside and watched it happen without saying anything, and that he wishes he had. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, whenever Snape gives a dig at Lupin or insult him and Harry tries to stand up for Lupin, he repeatedly excuses Snape's actions. Hell, even when Snape tries to reveal Lupin is a werewolf and eventually causes his loss of job, Lupin never hits back, or even tries to defend himself.

I’ll divide my answer into three parts.

1 - Repentance vs Regret

So, you are right. I do think Lupin regrets some of his past actions - but the thing is, it seems to make you think he understood the seriousness of his actions/has grown up/is now a better person. And I strongly believe it is not the case regarding the subject of bullying.

“In repentance, there is a retrospection of the past mistake and a search for a better way so as to not commit the mistake if such a situation arises in the future. In repentance, there is a commitment towards change. Thus, repentance is an act that intends to make one a better person. If you are repenting, it means you are learning from your mistakes and willing to change to become a better person.”

This, does not apply to Remus. We know from the books he never understands and/or refuses to acknowledge what he and his friends did wasn’t justified or deserved; he doesn’t address it as bullying as I explain in this post. Lupin’s behaviour pattern is quite clear throughout the saga: he never or only partially acknowledges his faults and they are always someone else’s doing for the most part.

“Regret is a feeling of remorse that is a negative emotion as it leads one to think continuously about his past action or behaviour and causes more shame, guilt, anger, disappointment etc.

On the other hand, repentance is a positive emotion as it makes one learn about his mistake, and he vows not to repeat it in the future.”

Lupin gives the image of a kind, understanding and mature person who knows how to put into question is own behaviour when necessary when he tells Harry and Sirius he knows he should have prevented them from tormenting Snape (Chapter 29 of OOTP). But then, as the conversation continues, if you closely analyses his thoughts - he keeps indulging into self-beating and talking about his own behaviour. He is completely self-centred and cares more about the image he gives than about the consequences of his actions and this clearly is the way he functions:

- He is willing to risk Harry’s life by not telling Dumbledore Sirius is an animagus rather than confess he betrayed his trust as a teenager: he cares more about what the headmaster thinks of him than about the consequences of his actions.

- He finds the time to acknowledge he should have behaved better - what a mature reaction - but never acknowledges Snape’s trauma or the seriousness of what was done to him. He thinks of it as a “rivalry”.

- He puts a lot of effort into burnishing his and his friends’ image by justifying bullying with “rivalry”, “jealousy”, and agreeing with the fact “it was a mutual hate and those are things that happen” rather than admitting they behaved terribly.

So yes, Remus regrets his actions. But it is clear to me he firstly regrets them because it gives him a bad image in front of Harry and Dumbledore, and to himself; he never learns from his mistakes nor can make sure to not repeat them in the future, because he simply refuses to acknowledge them and put his energy into minimising them or making them, for the most part, Snape’s own fault. I find Remus to be a self-centred and cowardly person, and this behaviour goes along with it.

However, I am not saying this makes him a bad man and understand this is directly linked to the fact he is a werewolf and giving a positive image of himself is nearly vital for him. But clearly, the fact he regrets his actions means nothing besides what I just explained, in my opinion, because Remus refuses to acknowledge what they did. He never repents and we must not mistake regrets for repentance. Remember that being critical of a character doesn’t make him less interesting or likable and has nothing to do with your personal liking of him. Snape isn’t a saint either, it’s actually interesting to have characters with layers. However, Remus was written kindly and “loved” by the books’ narrative and POV; Snape was not.

2 - He still behaves, in his thirties, like a bully

...which shows he does not repent or feel sorry for what was done to Snape and their other victims. I had the chance to discuss this with @ottogatto and she was very helpful and gave me a very interesting insight on Remus’ behaviour as we see it through Harry’s eyes in the books.

As she explained, nearly every time the subject of Snape is brought up, Remus will subtlely put the fault on him. “He was jealous”, “Your father was more popular than he was and he hated it”, “He was jealous of James’ talent for Quidditch”, “Sirius and James were good at everything and everyone loved them, unlike Snape” are embedded quotes from HP5. Why was Snape furious against him at the end of HP3? “Because he wanted the Order of Merlin”; not because Remus had nearly killed him again as well as three students, just as he had done when Snape was younger. He keeps dismissing the consequences of his actions and justifies (to both Harry and the readers), the abuse Snape went through at the hands of the Marauders. He uses a florilegium of excuses commonly used by bullies that are both very vicious and even pervert in their aims (pervert = lead someone away from what is considered acceptable. Distort or corrupt the original meaning or state of things. Exactly what he does repeatedly). This is still the behaviour of an abuser. If @ottogatto finds the post she made about it, you may like to read it as well. Remus refuses to acknowledge Snape is right to act in the way he does regarding the bullying he went through and thus deepens the hate that already exists between Harry and Snape.

From the (wonderful) @ottogatto: You see, when you tell people how your target is jealous of you, it demonizes them in a shameful way. It tells how they are a pathetic person attacking you wrongfully, oh poor innocent human that did nothing wrong. Jealousy, after all, is a fault that remains completely on the jealous one. It gives your listeners the image that your prey is a mistrustful person while putting you in the position of someone who can be envied -- supposedly for your goodness. Because that prey is framed as mistrustful and ill-intentioned, it allows people to doubt whatever accusation your target might have: either "they're lying", or "exaggerating", or "making things up". Only those who are versed in the mechanisms of bullying -- the easy or the hard way -- will spot the problem. Otherwise, people will find a pretext, a rightful excuse, or an innocent, well-intentioned goal, to keep your prey alone, weak, and "punished".

3 - It is absolutely normal Lupin doesn’t defend himself or hits back when Snape reveals he is a werewolf

...because he is in the wrong. Snape doesn’t even cause his loss of job and you may want to reread the books while not taking Harry’s perspective for the unbiased truth. Dumbledore is obviously the one who asks Remus to resign. Remus just nearly killed three students and a professor, and roamed freely onto both Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade as a werewolf, risking many deaths and infections because he forgot the potion Snape had been brewing for him (he depended on Snape, another reason not to fight with him). Dumbledore just learns it isn’t the first time he betrayed his trust and he did the same for two years as a teenager, risking Hogwarts’s closure and reputation and his position as headmaster, breaking the promise he made to him when he was accepted as school. The worst thing is, it is Sirius who tells Dumbledore. Not Remus. Remus clearly demonstrates he is dangerous in spite of himself - Dumbledore learns as well he hid a very important information from him (Sirius being an animagus) during the year, supposedly risking Harry’s life. Dumbledore doesn’t apologize for Snape’s behaviour when he tells him goodbye and it is reasonable to suppose it is because he is fine with Lupin’s identity not being a secret anymore.

I understand Snape’s decision (and certainly Dumbledore’s as well, as read in Snape: A Definitive Reading and various clever posts on Tumblr) may seem cruel and negatively impacted Remus in a society full of prejudices; but I understand Snape’s decision as well. Lupin was a walking danger and had proved it countless of times, nearly killing him: I’ll always argue his decision wasn’t a bad one but you may disagree. I’m sorry for Lupin and what happened to him- but I also am lucid and acknowledge the fact he continuously risked people’s lives and was a danger to society at this point (because said society didn’t help him in any way, don’t get me wrong). But to come back to your main point, Lupin was the only one who caused his loss of job, and he had no legitimacy to call out Snape for revealing his true nature to the public, because clearly only this knowledge would prevent him from doing harm in the future. It’s a complicated situation that goes deeper than Remus and Snape’s relationship.

Lupin could also be deemed as dangerous on another level: he spreads around pro bullying rhetorics and makes it look okay if it was "deserved". He makes bullying less serious if the victim isn't likable. He makes bullying less serious because he is likable. And this is very wrong both in and outside the books.

#Snape meta #Severus snape meta #Marauders meta #Remus Lupin #anti remus lupin #Sirius black #James Potter #anti james potter #Anti Sirius Black #Pro snape #Bullying #Snapedom #Snape community #Severus snape #Harry Potter #Hogwarts #marauders era #Ask #Snape ask

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coffee--writes · 4 years ago

Text

Cherry

Pairing: Lily Evans x Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: Angsty but nothing more

Requested: No. It is a song fic for Cherry by Harry Styles. I would also like to say the music notes headers are to show the instrumental portions of the song which I believe add to the fic.

Summary: In which, you struggle to move on from you and Lily’s past relationship.

♪-♪-♪-♪-♪-♪

The cool air bit at your neck under the willow tree that day.

Leaves fell majestically by your side as you faced the cold, a scarf around your shoulders, mittens covering your palms and boots on your feet.

But although your body was protected from the bitter chill of November, nothing could save you from the frigid emptiness inside your mind.

It seemed Lily Evans had made a large indentation in your life.

For worse or for better.

Don’t you call him “baby”

We’re not talking lately

Don’t you call him what you used to call me

James Potter.

Oh, how you had hated him.

You remembered his pestering presence. Each and every Hogsmeade trip you and Lily had spent together was always greeted with glasses and a smirk you had grown to hate but Lily would grow to love.

At first you had been angry. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that James Potter fancied Lily Evans. He didn’t try to hide it, in fact he was proud to be rejected by her. But months later, when Lily had moved on, you realized you couldn’t blame him. No one had known of those secret moments shared between you and Lily Evans. No one knew of the stolen kisses in hidden corridors, the late night rendezvous in the kitchen or the hands that were intertwined under the table. James Potter hadn’t known that those days he spent pestering were more than just an outing with a friend.

You couldn’t stay mad at him.

It wouldn’t have been fair.

But you were angry and that had been the problem. You couldn’t be mad at James for his ignorance. There were days you desperately wished you could be mad at Lily Evans. She had always insisted on keeping your relationship a secret. Few people knew of the love shared between the two of you. Only Lily’s trusted friends. She had insisted yours would tell someone in the end.

Begrudgingly, you had agreed to her words. Most of your relationship was spent in secret or in the confidence of Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas, who you soon grow to love dearly. You knew now that Lily hadn’t been fair. But yet, you couldn’t find the power to be angry with her.

So you stayed angry at yourself.

A month had gone by since you had ended things and the few glimpses you saw of Lily she was linked hand in hand with James. You watched as he pressed kisses to her cheeks in front of the world, tucking her cherry red hair behind her ear. They always sat tucked away in the corner, surrounded by ever growing flowers. No matter how far away from them you were you could always hear her whispers to him. That magical word that used to belong to you and only you.

“Baby” she would say, her lips forming the vowels perfectly.

And each time the word was said James Potter would smile and you would only look away, your mind lingering back to those moments when she had called you hers.

I… I confess

I can tell that you are at your best

I’m selfish so I’m hating it

Walking down the sun lit halls had become bittersweet.

For there she was, walking side by side with James Potter, a large smile on her face. You hadn’t seen that smile in a long time. In the beginning it had always been there. Her smile was beautiful, a perfect compliment to that cherry red hair that you loved so deeply. You had loved that you were the person who got to see it the most.

But now James saw it every hour of every day as you had once before. Maybe he thought about it each night as he went to sleep as you had done and continued to do each night. Lily’s smile had left you a long time ago and now it seemed to have returned.

And although her smile produced a warm feeling in the pit of your chest, your mind wallowed in a bitter cold due to the fact that she was smiling without you. Her figure disappeared from view and that selfish pit turned into a bitter hatred towards yourself.

You were happy for Lily.

At least you were trying to be.

I notice that

There’s a piece of you in how I dress

Take it as a compliment

Lily had buried herself deeper than you had thought.

It became clear to you when you had shuffled through your collection of clothes. Your typical outfit consisted of frayed jeans and a cardigan; a basic look. Today you were going to Hogsmeade and although you were going with a friend you decided to get dressed up for the occasion.

That was when you had noticed the floral pattern that had once littered your floor.

Lily had loved sundresses. You remembered shopping hours looking for the perfect one. “It has to match my hair and eyes.” she would say. Each time you would roll your eyes but in reality she had always looked gorgeous in every one she tried on. She had soon pestered you into buying one.

“Come on, Y/N/N. You’ll look amazing in the flower one.”

So you had tried it on and the pattern had grown on you. It didn’t help that her face always lit up when you wore it. Now she was gone and you could only stare at the blue flower petals that blossomed on the contrasting white of the fabric. Time was ticking and you wouldn’t let thoughts of her spoil your day.

You slipped on the dress quickly.

You couldn’t deny she had amazing taste.

Don’t you call him “baby”

We’re not talking lately

Don’t you call him what you used to call me

Her actions hurt.

Ignoring you, that was.

Very few people questioned the drifting friendship between you two. Before you would walk together, side by side, hips bumping each other softly. Now, you walked opposite ends of the corridor, those emerald green eyes never meeting yours.

In a way it was a blessing. The lack of words between you and her. You knew deep down that if you had to look into those eyes again or watch the freckles on her face dance that your chilled exterior would soon fall apart. You’d remember those nights spent in the greenhouses watching as the magical lunar flowers budded in the streaks of moonlight. You’d recall the music you once danced to in your home over the summer as the sun set in the English countryside.

Emerald green eyes and cherry red hair would lead you to remember every kiss and every study date. Days spent in grassy fields on sunny days or stormy nights cuddled by the fire. You were even reminded of the smallest things like the exchanging of books, a tap to the nose and long conversations that were lost in the void of the night. Memories would flood your mind and you would soon drown in their depth.

For once, you were thankful to be ignored.

♪-♪-♪-♪-♪-♪

Lily had been your only friend.

That was a slight exaggeration but it felt that way. You talked to other people and they were kind. But none of them had the connection you and Lily had once shared. Without her by your side it was as if you were travelling with only half a heart. Half a soul. Lily had acted as your compass and without her you lost all sense of direction.

So you watched her from the window.

There she was, laughing loudly alongside Potter and his friends. Their feet left prints on the shore of the lake. They splashed at her, an act that a younger Lily would have scolded them for. But she looked so happy, a smile shining bright for her beloved Potter. Your hand rested on your chin and a sad smile made its way to your face.

Their laughs echoed in the blank slate of your mind.

I... I just miss

I just miss your accent and your friends

Did you know I still talk to them?

Today was one of the rare moments you felt completely at peace.

Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas walked at your sides, small smiles on their lips. You hadn’t seen them in a while as they had always been closer to Lily and you knew they preferred her company. But even after you and Lily had fallen off they had acted as your friends.

After walking down the cobblestone streets of Hogsmeade you finally asked the question that hung at the tip of your tongue. “How is she?”

All their eyes averted to the ground. Marlene was the first one to speak up, nervously playing with the ends of her blonde hair, “Good.” she said simply, “She seems to be doing good.”

Her words were confirmed by a nod from Mary and a sigh from Dorcas. You nodded in return, pushing your hands into your pockets, “Is she happy?”

Marlene smiled sadly, “Yeah.” she replied, “Very.”

“Good.” was the only answer you supplied.

You could feel the peaceful day you had envisioned falling apart. Mentions of Lily sent your mind into a spiraling void of emotion in which you had hoped to avoid but instead you had wrestled the tiger head on. Unfortunately, the tiger had won.

And now she was coming back to gloat.

“Marls!”

You froze as did the three other girls. Her voice rang in your ears. You hadn’t heard it in a long time. At least not this clear. You could hear the sweet tone of her voice that no one else in the world seemed to hold. Each syllable, as melodious as a birds song. Mary’s eyes fell on you, watching as you shrunk away from the scene.

Her voice was the last sound you heard as you walked away from the pain she embodied so deeply.

Does he take you walking ‘round his parents’ gallery?

Compared to James Potter you didn’t have much to offer.

The Potters were a well-known family. Rich but humble. Pure but not prejudice. They were the picture perfect wizarding family with their abundance of talent and Quidditch skills being passed to their son; a bright boy with a knack for causing trouble.

You weren’t anything special. A single mother who worked around the clock to keep you supported. An absent father who had left when you were a child. Your life wasn’t tragic but it was far from perfect. You could never offer Lily the world in her hands. Each gift came with a price; an extra hour of work for your mother, a summer job for you to work.

Lily had always understood and she hadn’t asked for more than you could offer. She had appreciated the small things you would give her with a smile and a kiss. It was one of your favorite things about her. She had the unique ability to understand and be content whilst you felt pent up with your lack of wealth and inability to supply her with wonders.

Surprisingly, whenever you passed her in the halls and saw the necklace Potter had bought her around her neck, you felt happy. Although anger always lingered in your heart, you were glad someone was able to give her what she deserved.

It wasn’t you and you were slowly learning to accept that.

Don’t you call him “baby”

We’re not talking lately

Don’t you call him what you used to call me

Your final year at Hogwarts passed by in a blur. You watched Lily Evans slowly fall in love with the boy who had always wanted her. She smiled all the time now, her eyes never wandered towards yours and as much as it pained you that they didn’t, you hoped she had found peace.

Don’t you call him “baby”

We’re not talking lately

Don’t you call him what you used to call me

As for you, peace seemed to be out of question.

Peace was watching her be happy with someone who wasn’t you. It was watching her relationship from afar and catching moments where the two of you had gone wrong but James had gotten it right. Even without her by your side, Lily Evans played a major role in your life. Your eyes always wandered into her life where you weren’t wanted anymore.

You watched her take James to the end of year ball. His friends became her friends and she quickly took after them slightly. She owned a leather jacket and often studied with Remus in her spare time. She baked with Peter and you desperately wished that somewhere… somehow, you fit into the equation.

But you didn’t.

♪-♪-♪-♪-♪-♪

So you watched her graduate top of the year, cherry red hair blazing as she smiled.

You read of her joining the Order of the Phoenix, Dorcas expressing her worries in the letters she sent.

You stared emptily at the letter from Dorcas, sending news of James and Lily’s wedding.

Nothing could move you off the floorboards of your flat.

♪-♪-♪-♪-♪-♪

The morning of August 11th was foggy but in the hills of Scotland they were shining on a bride with cherry red hair and her groom.

You hadn’t been invited to Lily’s wedding and for that you were grateful. You knew that today was the day. Dorcas and you had kept up correspondence and she knew you well enough to know that you were curious of Lily’s affairs.

That morning you found yourself sitting in front of a box of memories. What stuck out to you was a tape. No label was on it but a small heart. Curiosity tickled your mind and after a minute you stuck the tape into the cassette player.

First came the static.

Then her voice.

“Is it on?” you said, your voice coming through muffled on the speaker, “Yeah.”

Her voice was muffled as well, but you knew it by heart. Her melodious laugh followed and just from that you could picture her hair, the color of cherries and her eyes sparkling like emeralds. “Well, Y/N… are you going to say something.”

You froze, concentrating deeply to hear through the static, “I guess I’ll say… I love you Lily Evans!”

She laughed and it was the realest thing you had heard in months, “You’re so cheesy, Y/N/N.”

“Well, one day we’ll listen to this and you won’t be saying that.” you reply with a chuckle.

“Alright. Alright. I guess we’ll say goodbye for now.” she said, her words burning in your mind.

“Goodbye!”

The static returned once more and the weight of the world seemed to fall on your shoulders.

You finally let out a long-awaited sob.

♪-♪-♪-♪-♪-♪

Let me know what you think? Let me know if you want to be added to my taglist.

General Taglist: @blisfvll

Harry Potter Taglist: @angelinathebook @lunalovegxxd @yourssuccubus @mytreec @kashishwrites @chaoticgirl04 @wolfgar15 @susceptible-but-siriusexual

#lily evans #lily evans x reader #lily evans headcanon #lily evans x you #lily evans x y/n #lily evans angst #lily evans imagine #lily evans fic #lily evans fanfiction #lily x reader #lily x you #lily x y/n

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abybweisse · 4 years ago

Note

Nothing against anon but.. The undertaker n Cluadia being lovers is just so overly hinted on imo it’s a stretch to say they aren’t

I don’t even like the ship personally, I enjoyed Undertaker better when he was less lovey doveY BUT don’t change the fact all signs point to the fact he was lovers w/Cluadia or to be more exact EXTREMELY close w/her

I don’t think he had any actual blood kids w/her, that also seems like a stretch imo, there really isn’t any real evidence to back that up, and I agree it’s unlikely Vincent was him+Claudia’s son

It seems more likely he simply feels very connected to him as he IS Cluadias son, whom is assumed to have been his lover, same for Ciel

Idrk I just think it don’t make entire sense for him to have not been lovers w/Cluadia bc it seems crucial to the plots development-I hate that it is, but it seems like a fact 2 me

Wait, what?

For one thing, which anon are you talking about? Because I agree with the anon who read some ig thread and asked for my opinion. That anon and I seem to agree that not only is Undertaker probably Cedric, but that would make him the father of both Vincent and Frances/Francis.

I, for one, wholeheartedly believe Undertaker is Cedric K. Ros— and the father of Vincent and Frances/Francis.

And there are pieces of evidence to provide of that now. Put them together, and it does become rather compelling.

Undertaker’s striking moment of mourning for Vincent. Undertaker cries over Vincent’s death in front of Diedrich. Right in front of Vincent’s best friend and confidant. I don’t think Yana-san would have Undertaker cry like that about the death of someone else’s son, even if he was involved with the guy’s mother or in love with her. I mean, I do see parallels between Undertaker and Snape, and Snape wanted to help Harry because of his love for Harry’s mother, Lily. He even (somewhat appropriately) took the blame for Lily’s death. But Snape never shed tears for what happened to James or Harry. Only Lily. (Always.) So, I see Vincent’s death as a personal loss for Undertaker, not simply because he was her son, but because he was their son.

Undertaker’s embarrassing remarks to Frances/Francis. She is trying to downplay how they even know each other, but Undertaker not only calls her by her maiden name (in front of her husband) but also comments he recalls her birth like it was yesterday. It’s not just a comment about how 30-something years means nothing to him; it’s a suggestion he was present at her very birth. And she knows it. But her husband doesn’t. And she’s freaking sweating bullets over the whole confrontation. Because, somehow, she has become too embarrassed by him... as her father.

Undertaker’s resemblances to Cloudia/Claudia’s offspring. Yana-san tweeted that 1. not only are Vincent and Frances/Francis full siblings, but 2. Edward physically takes after his mom, and she physically takes after Cedric K. Ros—. There are numerous posts on here (I’ve reblogged some of them from their OP’s and have written about it, too) showing just how much Frances/Francis and Edward physically look like Undertaker. And similarities between how they carry themselves, position their bodies, move, etc. Same for Vincent and Undertaker, not so much in physical looks but regarding how they carry themselves, and so on, too... which shows a different side to Undertaker — one of leisure and a hint of laziness. Then you have Frances/Francis’ and Lizzie’s formidable talents and skills with sword fighting. You can even toss in Edward’s ability to perfect techniques he’s learned from others. And let’s not forget the adorable baby hairs at the napes of necks: we see it early-on for Frances/Francis and Lizzie, and when we get to Weston we see it for Undertaker, too. These are shared physical or other traits that we are being presented with, and most of it’s pretty subtle, particularly if looked at separately. However, put them all together, and a pattern of inheritance forms.

Undertaker’s and Cedric’s mysteries. If Undertaker isn’t Cedric K. Ros—, there is no need to cover up Cedric’s last name and the years of his birth or death. No need to emphasize that Undertaker has been a reaper for easily over a century. No need for Yana-san to have him go by his registration number, and for even someone like Othello to not know his actual name. No need to toss in all these little parallels between Undertaker and Cedric of Rotherwood from Ivanhoe, which the name Cedric was coined for... or for Undertaker/136649 to attack the reaper HQ around the same time Ivanhoe was first published. If that’s all one huge red herring, then it’s overdone....

I’m sure there’s more I should have included here, but I should be asleep right now... and this isn’t the sort of ask I was accepting, either. I went ahead and replied because this one is easy enough to reply to.

#black butler #kuroshitsuji #undertaker #cedric k. ros #cedric k. ros—#undertaker is cedric #cedric of rotherwood #literary analysis #character analysis #anon asks #i answer #answered asks #confusion #mar 8 2021

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dr-nero-is-god · 4 years ago

Text

i felt the urge to riff on the hive streams for a little bit since discussion came up on the hive discord, namely, holding issue with the idea that the alpha stream is inconsistent in that it is about leadership when otto is the only leader, and that it’s also possible that the alphas are just kids with specialized skills, and not actually bonded by any particular unifying element.

and, in response, @vulpix-sinistre brought up a quote from the abridged hive fanfic, that goes something like: “there are four streams: main characters, stereotypical bullies, ?, and nerds.”

and i disagree with the first two ideas, but almost completely agree with the abridged fic quote. that is pretty much how the streams work, and it is IMPORTANT that that is how the streams work.

in the end, you may conclude that the streams system still doesn’t make sense. you won’t be like “well clearly dr. nero was just logically dividing the labor of his students to reflect a specialized training program” because it’s more complicated on that. i hate to do this to y’all, but a lot of everything streams-related requires an out-of-book explanation to get where you’re going, but i can promise that i will at least try to go

first, let’s think about why h.i.v.e. would have streams at all

on the one hand, it’s inescapable to consider that one primary reason that hive has streams is because harry potter had houses, and for the same reason that percy jackson had cabins, the 39 clues had branches, hunger games had sections (or counties, idk), divergent had factions, and so on and so on. the rise of fandom spaces on the internet was concurrent with a big ya/mg boom in the post-2005 world (after twilight was published), and within those fandom spaces it became important to identify with an aspect of the fantasy world as part of your personality. that became a very marketable thing for a while, and so separating children into streams would, to a publisher, seem like a pretty solid storytelling choice.

however! the alpha stream is not the same as gryffindor house. on the one hand, it seems easy to make an alpha/gryffindor and henchman/slytherin parallel, because one group is good (relatively) and one is bad (or at least antagonistic). but it doesn’t work because while slytherin has a reputation for constituents of poor moral character (which has been largely revised in fanon), being a henchman is where you go, according to the books, if you are unintelligent and burly. it’s not a really sexy stream, is what i’m trying to say. and though there are undoubtedly some readers who would look at the henchman stream and see themselves, i think the majority of readers would likely find the henchman stream a completely undesirable stream to be in.

and, given how little importance the role of streams have after the first book, i will go out on a limb and say that mark walden knows that the henchman stream is unsexy. we aren’t interested in the hopes and dreams and motivations of the henchman stream; as we learn in book two, the ideal henchman is weak-minded and easily led—so what dreams would they even have? this leads me to conclude that while mark walden might have sold h.i.v.e. on the “there are personality-based groups in the school!” idea, he had something completely else in mind when he started writing and that, I think, is actually far more interesting.

but really, why would h.i.v.e. have streams at all

a few things about mark walden: 1) he studied english lit in school, 2) he has a background as a video game producers, and 3) he likes james bond. i know the first two things because i have read his bio and i know the third thing because i have read his books in conjunction with seeing all the james bond films. so we will call 1-3 facts.

if you are wondering what a lit degree, video game production, and the james bond franchise all have in common, then let me connect those dots: all three of those things depend heavily on the study and understanding of repetitive structure in storytelling as an interpreter and creator of meaning. each one of these fields requires an understanding of how stories and words work to create meaning in order to be successful.

and, to quote mr. walden here directly (sourced from this here link):

“So, I was playing with this cat one day and it got me thinking that those old-school Bond villains always just seemed to appear out of thin air with very little back story and that got me thinking about how they became world- conquering megalomaniacs in the first place. It was only a short mental walk from there to HIVE.”

so, imagine you’re a writer trying to tell a story about a school for villains like those in james bond—you’ve studied storycraft and you have a lot of experience in a job finding believable and compelling obstacles for people to interact with in video games. you have noticed patterns. and you need to make those patterns work for you.

enter: streams

i have watched all the james bond movies (all of ‘em) (i mean it) (just not the unreleased one yet lol) and you know what?

there’s probably just about four kinds of villains in those movies.

henchmen include the likes of jaws, oddjob, and tee hee. often physically disabled in a cinematically interesting way, these guys are the muscles and the machines in every bond film. they are the ones who tail bond as he takes long train rides and who try to personally throw him into shark tanks. they are the hands and feet of their evil masters and they don’t have a lot of emotional depth or backstory.

politicians/financiers abound in the james bond franchise because he is a government employee who often hangs out with other government employees (he has no friends). these people are like colonel rosa klebb, georgi koskov, prince kamal khan. there are a lot more, as a matter of fact, because the whole point of james bond is that they are in the cold war and even people without titles have political and financial motivations for screwing around with stuff. these types of villains depend on being well and truly embedded in an existing infrastructure or hierarchy, somebody who worked their way up from being a foot soldier or clerk into a powerful leadership position that gives them a lot of state-sanctioned trust and authority.

technicians and inventors include folks like henry gupta and boris grishenko, who use technology as their primary weapon. they are often inventors or innovators and are really good at making high-tech stuff. however, i think this stream is also a direct result of the character Q, someone who is actually on James Bond’s team and who runs an entire department of people who test sometimes outlandish gadgets for Bond to use in the field. (but we love the gadgets. they are fun.) in other words, Bond arguably has a technical stream at his disposal in MI6, which means the idea isn’t necessarily evil, but, likewise, our James Bond School also needs Qs. it’s the rules. if you are familiar with Q from James Bond at all then you understand

and that leaves us with alphas... the “supervillains.” these are the famous ones. dr. no. mr. big. scaramanga. le chiffre. blofeld. max zorin. emilio largo. goldfinger. these are the ones with the master plan, the dreams to recreate the world as they see it, the passion to see their desires to fulfillment and the resources to make them happen. they are rich. they are fancy. they are larger than life. is it weird that karl stromberg tries to incite a nuclear war between Britain and the USSR so that a lot of people can die so that he can colonize the ocean? yes. but by god, it’s fancy and dramatic, and that’s what counts.

are there other kinds of villains? oh, definitely. lots more. but you have to understand, that those kinds of villains generally don’t appear in Bond. sometimes! but it’s not a staple. for example, not many people in the bond films are motivated by revenge because each movie is kind of designed to function as a one-shot. villains don’t come back and so there is no revenge. the villain who gets the most notable reprise, jaws, actually ends up finding his true love in space.

compare: every movie is going to have henchmen. every movie has government stooges making morally questionable decisions. (almost) every movie has Q, or some gadget stuff going on. and every movie has a big bad that has to be better than the last.

so that explains why the streams are what they are.

it was a jumping-off point for mark walden to figure out what this universe might look like and how different character types need to function. consider that while the core four are all alphas and are kind of insulated as a group, the teachers all kind of roughly align with one of these groups. colonel francisco, raven, and chief lewis are henchmen types, doing on-the-ground work to get stuff done. ms. tennenbaum and the contessa are political af, they are all about the corruption and infiltrating institutional power. ms. gonzales, ms. leon, and professor pike all have technical skills that help keep an organization moving forward. and over them all is the singular alpha, dr. nero, who is coordinating and monitoring it all for his own evil plan: to run a high school.

honestly, dr. nero’s hive idea operates just like a james bond villain plot! it works, or it does when pitching the idea. the problem is that the books continued after the pitch did, and with worldbuilding came some complications. namely, the fact that the megastructure of james bond villainy does not replicate well into a small friend group on which the narration focuses. so let’s return to the question presented at the beginning:

how can alphas really be alphas when not everyone on the field trip can be a mastermind?

i’m gonna give this to you in two ways. one, the way i personally interpret it as an in-universe explanation, given the background premises we have already established. and the other, why the stream system kind of ruins the structure it sets out to create.

so, for me, the alphas can be alphas because there is more to villainy than being a mastermind and there is more to being a mastermind than being in charge. as i think about it, this novelization is actually the backstory for every one of the students, who will go on to do great and scary things. they will manage big projects and come up with interesting ways to terrorize the British government, because that is what James Bond villains do (and James Bond does canonically exist in their universe). much like your actual teenage years, this is not the main event.

as students, the core four need to learn to do a little bit of everything. you gotta learn some lock-picking, that’s essential. everyone has to be able to climb a rock wall. it’s the rules. and everyone needs to be able to do some programming. that’s just the way school is. though everyone has a different personality and a different way of looking at the world, their education has to cover the basics because the fact of the matter is, none of them are villains yet. will they become one? that remains to be seen. but they are being given the tools to become the greatest villains if that is something they choose.

the main problem that remains when holding this attitude is that the specialized skills of otto and his friends might be better suited to other streams, in which case, what is an alpha anyways?

here’s the facts: if everyone were assigned to a stream by talent, then there wouldn’t be an alpha stream.

franz? political/financial stream.

nigel? laura? otto? technical stream.

shelby? wing? henchman stream.

you can debate me on the specifics of those assignments, but the point is this: all the other streams are based on hard skills. franz can manage a ledger and that is a financial skill. laura can build a computer from scratch and that is a technical skill. wing can do martial arts, and each martial art is a physical skill that can be taught and performed in a measurable level of proficiency.

the idea of being a “mastermind” is a much softer skill—which is to say, there’s no one recipe that will make it work. my manager at work has coached me by saying that leadership is often about having a “style,” and working at it that way. leadership requires interpersonal flexibility, being able to stay organized and to make important decisions rapidly, it is about being able to prioritize and delegate. and it’s very much open to interpretation, every day, all the time.

let me tell you something else about james bond: there is a lot of classism, racism, and sexism embedded into every aspect of those films, but that goes for double when it comes to the villains in the show. to vastly oversimplify that very concept, it shows up in the bond films like this: henchmen are working class folks, the villainous equivalent of “the help,” and the supervillains are (usually) rich and glamorous and powerful. henchmen are uneducated (read as: stupid) and ugly and poor. no one cares if they die. (there’s more complexities, as always, but this essay isn’t actually about james bond so we’ll fast forward through My Opinions to the end)

the problem with replicating james bond in your villain school universe is that some of the biases of the james bond universe get replicated in there, too. poor and uneducated folks get turned into disposable henchmen whose lives are irrelevant. people who are educated and talented get fast-tracked to a more glamorous and interesting stream that will catapult them to the top of the ladder as soon as they graduate. if you look at the dialect with which block and tackle are written, they are clearly meant to be seen as a different social class than otto, despite the fact that otto is coming from basically nothing. and we understand that when otto graduates, he will be able to do basically anything that he wants to at all.

so, if you’re asking why wing has a role in the alpha stream when he doesn’t seem as leader-y as otto, there’s a simple answer: because dr. nero believes that wing can be more.

the climax of book one is dr. nero explicitly telling otto, wing, laura, and shelby that they are in his school because he believes in them and he wants to see them grow. they are given an elite status other students do not have despite the fact that they have just literally tried to escape. as we see in the case of duncan cavendish, the main way to get on that highway to a guaranteed career is to convince him that you’ve “got it.” for those who are not believed in, there is no way to make up for the special grooming. you’re stuck with the stream you’re placed in, doomed (perhaps) to be a second-in-command at best.

is all this intentional? probably not. but it is implicit in the structure of the story and, alas, that’s the way it is.

all i can think to say in conclusion is that while the stream system tends to replicate some of the unfair and classist realities present in other media and the world we live in, i think part of the reason we read h.i.v.e. is because the alpha stream is so appealing. imagine! you are competent and you have a desirable, specialized skill as well as a proficiency in many general skills and you are certain you are going to do good things—and all because someone believes in you. to receive someone else’s support and confidence can be life-changing. the magic of h.i.v.e. is that yes—lives are changed and ordinary, boring people were elevated to the level of supervillains. we are only left to wonder, are they the only people who deserved that honor?

#meta #spoilers #streams #alpha #henchman #political/financial #technical stream #technical #james bond #hive #h.i.v.e.#higher institute of villainous education #the higher institute of villainous education #otto malpense #max nero #streams post #musings

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weasleymalfoypotter · 4 years ago

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i hate you (but not really) pt6

masterlist

summary : summary: draco malfoy and harry potters twin sister have hated each other since they met. but in 5th year he comes to find that maybe he doesn’t hate her and the reasons he did end up be the things he loves

word count : 2.6k

warnings : mentions of abuse, fluff, angst, ron and hermione being in the outs which is a whole warning

A/N : sorry this out so late i’ve been so busy and i’m on this retreat but i’m so excited to get this part out and thank you so much for all the love on this series and we’re at 50 followers and i want to cry omg also if there are spelling mistakes i’m sorry

“hey princess” draco said while kissing the crown of my head before sitting down in the seat next to me in the back of the library. princess is still his favorite nick name for him a year after he called me that for the first time. i swear he says it 100 times a day. i’m not complaining.

“helloooo” i said smiling at him as he sat down.

“how was today? i heard snape gave you a hard time”

“oh you know the usual. he likes to remind harry and i that we’re not as important as the rest of the wizarding world thinks we are” i said light heartedly with a smile. snape actually used to be fond of me. i asked him why in my third year because he hated my brother so much and he explained by saying i reminded him of my mother. it was a soft side to snape that no one thought existed. all he said was that he knew her in their years at hogwarts but after harry told me about the memory he saw in the pensive i knew there was more to it. that was the same time he started giving me a harder time, treating me like the rest of the gryffindors, if not worse. i confronted him after class one day after he made a comment about harry and i, and he said i was becoming more like my father as i grew up. that’s what remus and sirius would tell me too. they said harry and i looked just like james, except for the eyes, but personality wise, he was all lily and i was all james. i stormed out of his class after that and any kind of friendship or comfort i found in that class dissipated and his past kindness became an afterthought.

draco and i spent the rest of the day in the library studying before we went to dinner. he still sat at the slytherin table during meals and i spent the time with harry and my best friends. although, today i’m sitting with just hermione so she’s not alone because harry sits with ron and hermione and ron are on the outs...again. it hasn’t happened a lot but it’s always about the same thing and they can’t even realize it. i wish they’d just get together already because i don’t know how much more “won won!!” i can take from lavender without punching her square in the jaw. and she really doesn’t like me. i think she doesn’t like any girl at hogwarts, as if they all pose a threat to her and won won’s relationship.

hermione looked down the table to see her leg on his lap while her hands moved up and down ron’s arm. he looked irritated. hermione chuckled loud enough so only i could hear.

“it’s funny that he picks the girl who doesn’t know not to mess with him while he’s eating” i laugh.

“the whole thing is ridiculous. i swear he can’t stand her anymore, it won’t last long, she’s way too clingy and they don’t mix well at all” she chuckled but i can tell it still hurts. “hey listen, he’s an idiot. one day he’ll realize how stupid he is and it’ll be him pining” she gave a half hearted smile. the whole thing has been hard for her. i hate to see her cry so much.

“yeah yeah, i just- i don’t know. i just can’t do this anymore.”

i nod along while she rants for the rest of dinner before we have to leave. afterwards she heads to the library and i head to the gryffindor common room for scheduled harry and ron time. it’s hard keeping up with school work, quidditch, prefect duties, and all my friends that can’t be around each other. i have to managed to spend time with draco away from harry and ron and hermione, but also spend time with hermione away from with harry and ron, and i also have to spend time with harry and ron without hermione or draco or lavender. it’s a mess. so now we’ve subconsciously gotten into a schedule. during breakfast i sit with draco and harry sits with hermione and ron is with lavender, if i’m in a class with gryffindors i sit with hermione, when i’m in a class without them, i sit with draco, at lunch i sit with harry and ron while hermione sits with ginny, during breaks i bounce between each of them depending on the day and whether or not i have quidditch, and before dinner i’m in the library with draco, during dinner i sit with hermione, and afterwards i hang out with harry and ron, and after that it’s cuddling with draco. it’s exhausting. not the cuddling part, that’s pretty great. everything else is just so confusing and it doesn’t give me a second to breath until the end of the night. but if i’m being honest, everything distracts me from thinking about sirius or cedric or anything along those lines. so i’m not really complaining.

i’m plopped down on the couch on the verge of passing out while ron and harry talk about harry’s potions book. i’m complete zoned out until ron asks

“hey, you guys are coming for christmas right?” i totally forgot christmas existed. it was only a few days before break and i had no idea we were invited to the burrow.

“are we? i didn’t know that was an option” harry said. he looked at me as if asking if i was up for it or not. of course i was.

“well yeah of course, mom wants to give you guys the sweaters in person this year” ron said excitedly.

“i’m totally down, is charlie gonna be there? i wanna hear about the dragons” i say the last part with so much joy. i loved charlie. he was so cool. honestly i think i just loved the dragons but same thing. charlie and i always talked forever about his work whenever i was with his family.

“i’m not sure if he’s coming or not, but either way you’re going to be there, you don’t have a choice” ron said.

“that’s true. molly might just hunt us down if we don’t show up” harry said. ron nodding along pursing his lips. he didn’t lie.

i totally forgot to tell draco that i was going to be at the weasleys for christmas until today which is the day before we leave. we’re sitting cross crossed on my bed across from each other, hands tangling with each other’s, and talking about our day.

“okay so should i leave your christmas present here and spell so you can’t open it until the day of, or should we wait, or open them now, or...?” draco rambled.

“well i’m not gonna be here on christmas, harry and i are going to the burrrow” i said. his face showed his confusion and i remembered i forgot to tell him.

“since when? not complaining, it’s better than you being here by yourself but i’m positive fred has always had a crush on you” he said with a laugh.

“okay one, since the other day, and two, fred does not and has never had a crush on me” i said laughing at the thought of me and fred. he was like my big brother.

“okay okay but if he gets handsy i will hex him into oblivion and lace his apartment with his own products” he said faking seriousness

“fred will not get handsy, i promise” i replied with a huge smile on my face. i don’t think fred has ever gotten handsy with me.

“alright well, i guess we could do presents now” he said with a very excited expression. i nodded excitedly. i was so unbelievably excited for him to see what i made him. that’s right. made. i spent forever on it trying to get every detail right but i managed to figure it out. with the help of astronomy records i found an image of what the sky looked like the night we had our first kiss in the astronomy tower. i enlisted the help of flitwick and told him it was for a personal project to figure out the charms to put the pattern from stars from that night on a ring. it looks so damn cool, i honestly want it for myself. after a few moments of getting situated, we were sitting across from each other with the others presents in our hands.

“okay you first?” i smiled and handed him his present. it was wrapped carefully in a small package.

“open it” i said softly while he looked at me with a questioning look. he took of the paper and opened the box on its hinges. his face lit up and he didn’t even know what it really was yet.

“oh wow” he said while eyeing it “this is beautiful”

“wanna know something?” he looked up at me “you see the stars on it?” he nodded “that’s what the stars looked like on the night of our first kiss” i said with a huge smile and his face dropped...but in a good way.

“you’re kidding” his eyes backs glossy

“nope” i said with a smile. he immediately slipped it onto his left ring finger. he then leaned in to kiss me. i smiled as we pulled away. points to me for the really awesome gift.

“okay okay time for your gift because if i look at this any longer right now i will cry” i eyed him jokingly “okay maybe not cry but you get the idea” he handed me the box as i laughed. it was small, almost the same size as the one i gave him. i opened it to find a small black velvet ring box. huh. when i opened the box on its hinges i gasped. a gorgeous emerald pear cut ring with small diamonds surrounding the green stone with a silver band. it was gorgeous. tasteful, classy, simple yet fancy. i was crying and i didn’t know it until his hand was on my cheek wiping away tears.

“you kind of beat me to the ring idea but i still think i scored” he was smiling so wide. a put it on my left ring finger and i jumped over to kiss him as he pulled me into his lap.

“i love you so much. i need you to know that” he said looking up at me after we broke away

“i do. and i love you too. more than you know” i replied, nudging his nose with mine.

christmas break at the burrow so far has been just as amazing as i expected. hermione wasn’t there obviously, but i still got to hang out and room with ginny and we were having a blast. quidditch games with the twins were fun because this time i was on their team which was definitely refreshing. they were way too damn good, and just because we were friends when they were on the gryffindor team doesn’t mean they’d go easy on me. quite the opposite actually. in third year i was in the hospital for two days after a really rough bludger from fred knocked me unconscious after hitting me in the head and taking me off my broom. he felt bad but it still hurt like hell.

it’s christmas eve and we were all in the living room cuddled up with tea and coa coa talking about fred and george’s shop and school and everything except the order and or voldemort until a knock came from the door. it was late so the room was full of confused faces while arthur and molly got up to get the door.

“oh goodness draco what happened?” i heard arthur say. i immediately sat up and everyone’s attention was glued to the interaction at the door.

“i’m so sorry Mr. Weasley, i- uh- i just, i didn’t have anywhere else to go” a voice i recognized all to well trailed off. i got up quickly making my way to the door to see a concerned molly standing next to a confused arthur with his hand on a bruised draco with a bloodied lip. my heart sunk and they all looked at me.

“oh my God draco what happened?” i said while closing the space between us and putting a hand up to the bruises on his face. he stuttered and molly looked around to find everyone zeroing in on the conversation.

“let’s go into the kitchen dears, i’ll make some tea for you draco and get you some ice and something for the bruises and your lip” draco nodded while we moved to sit in the kitchen. i could faintly hear molly telling everyone else to mind their own and we’ll let them know what was going on if we felt like it.

“draco what the hell happened to you?” arthur was waiting to hear the answer to my question while draco tried not to meet my eyes.

“m- my dad. he um, he found out about us. he told me that i could either be a true malfoy and follow in his footsteps and leave you or not be a part of the family at all. i told him i wouldn’t do it. i told him i wasn’t going to work for you know who and that you were my family now. that’s when he did this” he said gesturing to his face. my heart hurt. this was my fault. i knew it was better for him to be out of that house and not working for voldemort but i can’t help but think that the pain was because of me.

“draco i’m so sorry” i said with tears running down my face while squeezing his hand.

“well y/n isn’t your only family now son” arthur looked up at molly who seemed to have been around the hear the whole thing. she nodded. at him “there’s space in ron and harry’s room, if you’d like to stay with us. we’d love nothing more than to have you hear draco” draco was crying now. he’d been trying to hold it in. but hearing these words come from a father, hearing loving words, was his breaking point.

“i’m so sorry. for everything my family has done, for everything i’ve done. i- i- i could never truly tell you how much i loathe what my family is” draco said to arthur. “i’m sorry i showed up here so late i know i shouldn’t have i just, i had no where else to go” he looked down. molly came behind him and ran her hands on his shoulders.

“nonsense draco. we know you’ve changed, we’ve heard all about it” she said smiling “y/n is our family and that makes you family too”

the rest of break was actually great. it was cramped but i wasn’t upset about it. draco was feeling so much better after being around a loving family for once. he and harry and ron were actually getting along so well it was scary. i would actually say their friends considering he’s been spending more time with them than me. i actually saw them laughing together once. it was weird. but honestly i couldn’t have been happier to have him here. he was able to give the order information about voldemort and his connections to certain families and their plans. no one thought draco heard as much as he did but his information was valuable.

the rest of the school year was perfect. everyone was getting along, draco was out of his house, the rings on our fingers were a representation of hope for the two of us, and i knew this was the boy i would spend the rest of my life with.

TAGS: @idkmanicantenglish @dracoswhore007 @lordlodge

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halothenthehorns · 3 years ago

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TLTNL- OUT OF THE FIRE

Hickory was sleeping in the bed upstairs on Lily's pillow. He'd been doing this very frequently, though his usual place was up on the mantel above the fireplace. He liked being where everyone was and keeping an eye on Click, but lately the warmth above the fireplace had not been worth it for all the noise which he much preferred to avoid. He didn't even enjoy the infants company, the child was always making some form of disturbance and Hickory was only ever in his company when the bundle was garnering special attention or the cat had a want to play with his toys. He'd been sleeping peacefully in the seldom quiet then, until his dark brown fur went on end, and he let out a soft hiss.

Harry was yet even three months old. Things to recognize were far and few between, but he took comfort in the familiar ones. Soft, warm support next to heartbeats. Soothing voices he should know all his life. Blurry outlines of faces he knew he could smile and laugh at and always find a return. Yet in the comfort of his crib, in the total silence and separate from his own future, he twitched uneasily now, and made an unheard whimper at his family's distress.

It was a maddening noise, or one very close to a man losing his. James didn't even seem to realize he was making it as it tore out of him. This was too much, he'd finally heard all he could! Sirius just could not be slated to die, not after all he'd been through!

Sirius was hyper aware of his surroundings. He felt the tornado going on around him, their anger at him, at Voldemort, at this very future. The fear; after everything that had happened to James and Lily, how Peter already felt dead in their memories, to hear of this happening again would be too much. He felt it all himself tripled, he didn't want to die! Of that thought he was very clear on, because he'd already felt that once. During those first few days, of hearing everything Harry was going through in his life without someone around to care, he'd bitterly regretted whatever his downfall had been because it never would have felt worthy unless he'd gone out with James, or for him.

More than anything though, Lily's tears of resignation, Remus' fury, and James' fear, he was looking at his godson.

This was their future. They had to change it, clearly or die trying. Harry though had already lived through this, and he wasn't going to watch it happen again.

He snapped the book shut with such a loud, sharp snap it resonated through the hole house as he stated, "Oops, did I say something? I meant, and then Harry had an actual nice end to his school year and the end!"

James hit him so hard he may well have a concussion for that one. Glory, the last time Prongs had hit him that hard he'd almost killed Snape, and he didn't like this developing pattern of being the cause of so many deaths, even his own.

He'd been shaking so hard Sirius wasn't even sure how he'd landed the blow. Still, he tried with all his might, just like he always did, "look, we don't have to hear about this! It's not necessary, because it's not going to happen this time!"

Remus could hear what he was so desperately trying to keep out of his voice, what his eyes couldn't hide. Sirius was just as afraid as them, but he was still being their Padfoot as he looked again at Harry. He wanted more than anything to take this away from his friends, his real family. Remus still couldn't believe the words he'd said, even as his innards solidified inside confirming their worst fear was most definitely their future. It was hurting just to breathe he was so scared for his best friend, and he tried for that composure again, that promise this wasn't happening to him yet, but all he could think was, 'not him. He'd suffered too much already. Just let it be me instead!'

"How could this have happened!" Lily only managed speech if she didn't let herself think about the exact words. "Sirius, you were, how could you-"

"I'm sure I made a very calculated decision!" Sirius insisted, before hesitating and admitting, "turns out I'm just bad at math." He was still trying the hardest he ever had in his life to keep talking, keep making words come out despite the fact he couldn't feel anything but numb shock, all the while trying to reach for his wand while he had their attention and subtly banish this one from sight for good.

Harry had been watching him in a sort of detached horror, his mind couldn't cope with what he was hearing and make it through, or he may well end up like his dad who still wasn't at any recognizable human level of emotion from all this. Instead, more as if a demon was possessing him, he reached forward and took it out of Sirius' grasp before a spell could be done to it.

Sirius fought back though, keeping it firmly in his grasp and starring Harry down. "It doesn't matter Harry," he stated clearly now that his front had been ruined over their tug of war. "I'm not going to watch you live through that!"

"I have to," Harry said simply.

It certainly was no want. He'd love nothing more than to skip right to his sixth year, to hear of Sirius dropping him off at the train again and there was some simple explanation and everyone made it out alive; or just to pretend altogether none of this had ever happened, this was someone else's horrific life where everyone he ever cared about seemed to die.

Instead, he'd meant that with every part of him, he had to. That drive that had pushed him through his loveless childhood, the same determination that helped him not to murder Sirius when he had doubts the man had killed his parents, the strength that kept him alive while facing a powerful Voldemort for the first time in his life. The fifteen year old from his past was still shaking with fright and screaming to just let Sirius do this, he didn't need to know the details! Maybe it was some left over hope his godfather would make it out of this, or more likely it was that his head was likely to come free of his body if the warning pain was any indication he couldn't live through not knowing. He didn't think Sirius really could either no matter what he said.

So Harry won, he got the book away from him, and the worst consolation prize in his life began.

Harry was protesting he did not want to go to the hospital wing.

It was abundantly clear no one was taking in an actual word of what Harry was saying, he could have been reading to that Mirror of Erised from so long ago, though he liked to think his deepest desire would never be seeing them looking at him like he was the one putting a wand on Sirius. He understood why of course, it probably felt like a genuine betrayal that he was forcing them to sit here and listen to this, but he just couldn't do this one alone. Even if they hated him for it, the words kept tumbling out, past the guilt, the fear, everything, he had to know! Surely they must understand that...

The test examiner was being sympathetic, saying it had just been nerves and he could go back in and finish, but Harry changed paces and said he'd rather go to the hospital wing instead.

It was actually impossible for Lily to go backwards, think what had started all this and put together what Harry was saying! She kept seeing it in her mind, Sirius had been making trips from that place and she couldn't even blame him, but now one too many times had finally been his last...

The second the man was out of sight Harry tore through the castle right up to the Hospital Wing and begged Madam Pomfrey to let him see McGonagall.

A splutter of life tried to appear in Remus for a second, as he clung to one tiny ray of life that McGonagall no matter what state she was in would make this right, somehow...

Pomfrey informed him she'd been moved to St. Mungo's. Those four Stunners to the chest, it was a wonder they hadn't killed her.

"Stop!" James found his voice again and it was just as wretched as the noise he'd been making. "Stop, stop it, I don't know how to handle this!" He pleaded. James Potter actually pleaded as he stormed out of the room.

He wasn't naïve, the possibility of this had been alive since Sirius had been forced into Grimmauld place. He just couldn't stand imagining it! His lungs seemed to have vanished, he had no clue where he was seeking out, blind detachment the only thing getting his feet moving until he collapsed in a chair that moved rhythmically beneath him and he realized he'd moved from pure memory to collect his infant and sit in the rocking chair in his room.

There was a soft knock on the door behind him, but he ignored it, and whomever it was blessedly went away. He didn't want comfort right now, and no one could actually offer any. So he simply rocked his precious life for a moment, crooning to him through a few sobs, and just let himself breathe without forcing anything out, trying to cover anything, he let his mind wander wherever it had to.

James had thought he'd been handling himself quite well. His son the same age as him had crashed into their kitchen without memory but they were all abruptly informed he and Lily had a year left to live, okay, they could fix that! One of his best friends in the world, his brother in all the ways that mattered, was the cause of that death! He could cope, he still had his real friends, they still had time to purge this problem! Voldemort was only going to be gone from his son's life for thirteen years before his only child was forced into helping that resurrection! He'd find a way to live through that just like Harry had!

This time though, this one was beyond him to understand. He'd been forced to come to the early realization everyone he loved died except his son and he'd managed that because they'd started the Order with the understanding they may not all have come out. Then he'd realized that hadn't been true, and now he didn't know how to reach back and grasp that this was all going to be okay again with Harry watching this time.

That was the real kicker, that any moment he went back down, Harry was going to slip back into Voldemort's consciousness or whatever was going on and his son was going to have to watch.

That Sirius was slated to die defying Voldemort was probably the most likely outcome he'd have expected, it filled his mind with ice he couldn't think past and made his ribs feel as if they were crushing him from the inside, but that he could at least handle just as he had with the information of his own death, that was the only way to go as far as he was concerned. No, it was his own son having to watch it, to all but feel the pleasure it would cause the Dark Lord.

He kept brushing his son's hair back, the scar not yet present on him, his eyes open and looking curiously with his wife's eyes mirror imaged into his face. He didn't know how to handle looking at Harry now, didn't know how to help him with this.

He'd been there for Sirius for everything, he'd been the one to first offer Animagus to help Remus, he'd been Peter's comfort when he'd broken up with his girlfriend of three years because Prongs knew how to handle everything. He'd been there for Lily's pregnancy even when she hadn't wanted him around, but now he had nothing for his only child.

James didn't want to come out of here until he had an answer for that, he felt like a failure all he was capable of doing was sitting there and listening. He knew he was only going to get through it himself by keeping his brother under his arm, know he was breathing right beside him until they could find a way to stop this and make sure it never happened this way if they could help it. For Harry though, it had already happened, and he didn't know how to help.

Harry trudged uneasily back down the stairs, honestly a bit relieved his dad had ignored the door as he still didn't know what he'd been planning on saying, but he'd still felt like he owed him something, some way to apologize for putting him through all this, through his own life. He stopped halfway down the stairs though, and just sat there, gazing into the living room through the bars of the banister, pressing his forehead to them as he watched Sirius still trying to chat enthusiastically towards Remus and Lily like this was nothing. He was perched on the table right in front of them, using his hands to vividly describe something, but the words were a blur to Harry, he was just watching his godfather. So full of life, far more than he'd ever known in his own time.

Remus sat and watched Sirius talking at them as if from a great distance. Whatever Padfoot was trying to convey wasn't getting through, and he wanted to honestly knock him on his head even if he did admire how blasé he was forcing himself to be about all this, he knew he'd be a hysterical mess if he'd just heard the same. Harry had just realized McGonagall couldn't help, no one could, if Sirius wasn't already doomed than he would be long before anyone from the Order made a check on him, like his own useless arse. He couldn't believe he'd let this happen to him, and if he wasn't dead from having tried to stop all this, than his life really was an utter waste.

Lily wasn't listening either, though Sirius seemed blissfully unaware of his inattentive audience. She kept watching Harry on the stairs, eyes only on his godfather, the only person who'd ever been there for his life. The pain of losing him once would have been the worst of his life, which was really saying something after all he'd been through, now he was being forced to do so again. Her mind felt like a broken puzzle with all the pieces missing but the very edges, she tried to force herself to put something together that would make this all okay and kept coming up with nothing.

Sirius was well aware his enthusiastically chatting about what even he wasn't sure was not helping anyone, even himself. He was just talking, because if he stopped he'd be forced to come back and realize he'd have to keep listening, and glory he still didn't understand why Harry was doing this to himself. Remus was beside himself with anger for all this so he was no help, so when he finally followed Lily's gaze and saw him again, he cut himself off mid sentence and went over to Harry, flouncing down next to him and stating, "fancy seeing you here!"

Harry met his solid gray eyes and forceful smile, and just shook his head in exasperation. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" Sirius batted his eyes innocently, honestly he was just pleased to have gotten a response.

"You act like, and don't kid yourself Sirius I know it's an act, but you're really trying to convince me you're okay with this?"

Sirius released a huffy breath, tipping his face up to the ceiling so Harry couldn't find the lie, "what can I say, I'm going out doing the exact opposite of what my parents always wanted, it's like a dream come true!"

"You use that a lot," Harry accused, "but I know you better. Why can't you just say you're proud of yourself not letting Voldemort win?"

Sirius' smile remained flippant even as he looked back to Harry, his eyes softened with agreement. "Wasn't quite sure you'd get that Harry, thought you'd just be mad at me for my excursion from Grimmauld place like we all know I've been doing." He watched Harry closely, and was surprised at the look flitting across his face, his hand jumping to his temple now trembling all over again. There was something of what Sirius said that wasn't quite in line with this-

"But even that's not really it. It's still, more like a dream to me. A nightmare I'll give you, but if I let myself panic that's how my future ends than that also means I'd have to accept I spent twelve years in Azkaban and that's not something I'm going to let happen, especially now that I can get myself out of there just as fast. You're here now Harry, sharing all this with us, and we've learned the worst of it. So now, we can stop, and we can fix it!"

Harry wished he could agree with him, that he could just so easily let this go, but there was something bothering him now more greatly than ever. 'A dream, a nightmare really...'

"I'm sorry Sirius, I just can't! I have to know what happened to you! You understand that, right?"

Sirius met his eyes steadily. He saw guilt heavy in Harry, like somehow even now he was blaming this all on himself when it had been Sirius' decision to leave that place. Harry wanted details of that blame, to further pin himself with, and Sirius wasn't happy giving that to him, but then he realized what he'd already known the moment he looked into that kid's face, it was nigh impossible to deny him anything. It was going to kill him faster than any spell Voldemort could use on him, but the larger part of him only caved because he wanted to be there for Harry. Like he couldn't have been back when he was fifteen, because he'd been selfish and taken off out of that house and gotten caught like an idiot. Harry had every right to hate him, this was more his fault than anyone's for putting Harry through this, so he'd give Harry the chance to tell him just that when he realized it.

He gave in with a long suffering sigh, telling him, "alright, let's go fetch Prongs then, convince him the weight of the world isn't all on him, I really wish that was one trait you hadn't inherited."

Harry hesitated to follow Sirius back up the stairs, but Sirius was still waving his hand with a heavy exaggerating motion for Harry to come along. If he couldn't convince Harry to drop this, than he at least was trying to convince himself being there for Harry now while he had to hear about this would somehow make it bearable, while he still had the chance.

Sirius did no such thing as knock, once he'd gotten Harry to his feet and they'd gone back to the stairs. He walked right in, and grabbed his brother by the scruff of his shirt and tried to pull him to his feet as much as he could while still minding that was his nephew in his lap. "Come on Prongs," he clapped his hands and used his 'we're fixing to go down for a day long Quidditch practice voice.' "I know you've contemplated killing me a thousand and one times, so this is a grave disappointment to you with someone else doing it, but I know you'll find a way to live with it."

James' eyes were bloodshot as he glared up at Sirius and said flatly, "you're an arse."

"I'm your arse," Sirius agreed. "Why else would Evans' have fallen for you? Certainly not that face."

Harry continued watching Sirius like he'd lost his mind, but the joke won out as James let himself be dragged to his feet just so he could give a halfhearted nudge at Sirius' ribs as he passed. He hesitated at the threshold, but then Padfoot prodded him in the back, and Harry was trying to go ahead while glancing back at them like he hoped Sirius would change his mind about this any second.

Fine then, James decided, he'd find a new way to be there for Harry, deflecting Sirius for Harry. That's what he was best at, nobody could take that away from him.

Lily had been trying to force herself to go up the stairs, but she was trembling so hard Remus was watching her in concern when she couldn't get past the first step. She was afraid to look Sirius in the face again, or she'd start ticking down the seconds he had left. She was terrified of looking at Harry and see his world being so utterly broken. She couldn't even begin how to comfort her husband as basically his worst thought kept coming to live in this print, but that wasn't going to stop her from trying!

The moment she did catch sight of them though, she tried to dart up to meet them, all action pumping back through her now that they were back in front of her, but Sirius waved her off.

"Nope, no more running up the stairs, especially you Evans."

"Potter," James corrected automatically, and Sirius grinned where he couldn't see that he'd gotten his response lacking from before.

James was ignored anyways.

"You wouldn't let me skip the dragon chapter! This is my revenge."

"Oh, we get to hear Harry see you die instead, that's so much more pleasant!" Remus snarled, forcing himself not to shout that in his face as Sirius waltzed over to him hands on his hips.

"It wouldn't be revenge if it was pleasant," Sirius said with chipper as he met his hard eyes. "Now Moony, be a dear and move," he gestured back to where he'd been sitting.

"You're so bossy, telling me and Prongs to move at the same time," he huffed as he finally forced himself to get up as well but crossed his arms and now glowered down at Sirius, being taller than him rarely had an advantage and this was one that never worked.

Sirius turned away without concern as he pushed the table out of the way, and then magicked the two sofas so the cushions were facing each other and it was all one giant seat, then he threw himself over the edge and splayed out inside leisurely. It was reminiscent of their old dorm room, and Sirius would frequently push all the beds together then as well. He claimed to do it so he had more space to stretch out and kick Peter and Remus when they snored, but this always tended to happen on the nights his parents had sent him yet another letter full of something nasty, so they'd rarely argued the point. "I remember you lot panicking back in Harry's third year thinking I was going to kick the bucket then to, might make you all less jumpy if there wasn't a huge space, nah I'll make it easy on you and I'll sit in the middle."

"Now we all get to smack him at once, I like this idea," Lily huffed, reaching down to do just that. He'd threatened to rearrange her living room weekly because of some reason or another, and now he'd finally gotten his way and she couldn't even argue the point, damn this man.

The others didn't argue anymore either, as they all piled in with no real order anymore, they were all just kind of bunched around. James jumped in last with the least enthusiasm, still clutching his son tightly to him and giving Lily an apologetic look for this. "Sorry, I'm sure you don't want him down here, I just couldn't-" he broke off, but Lily understood. She saw the frantic look in his eyes, he was only holding himself together because of his innocent child.

Lily only reached over and took his hand in a silent promise this was all going to work out as Harry pulled the book away from Sirius, he still wasn't going to let anyone do this but him, though that argument would probably come up again at the end when this was over.

Harry could hardly repeat the words she was gone.*

James muttered anxiously a bit more. They'd all felt the harsh weight of what had happened to McGonagall, and now somehow it all felt even worse when they needed her now more than ever.

The bell rang, and the normal classes were let out, as Harry's terror continued to rise.

Sirius wished he could offer some word of comfort, but at this point he knew how hollow it would feel, and he worried it would only make it worse.

Dumbledore and Hagrid were gone, but Harry had always thought McGonagall would be here! Irascible, inflexible, but always a solid presence.

Even as Harry read it he could feel that tightening of his breath, he'd never wanted to imagine the school without her and what would become of it, and now he was living in a nightmare in his mind.

Madam Pomfrey was sympathetic to his shock, saying they never could have done such a thing to her in daylight, it was despicable cowardice. She'd quit if she didn't fear what would happen to the students without her.

"I'm sure everyone else feels that way." Lily said bitterly.

"We're lucky the school hasn't emptied out from people in protest and only the Inquisitorial Squad was left." Remus huffed.

Both found it immensely hard to claim at normal words rather than continuing to scream in fear, but somehow, so long as they just kept talking, this just had to feel better.

Harry wasn't listening anymore, walking blindly through corridors with no destination as a panic exploded inside him and he didn't know who to turn to...

"Harry, you're going to make yourself sick," Sirius tried to pleadingly cut him off again. No matter how much he insisted he had to do this, Sirius couldn't stand watching him spew out the words in pain.

Harry could not ignore Sirius even if he'd wanted to, he'd never wanted his godfather around more in his life and now he was being given the gift of being right next to him, but that didn't stop him pushing past his discomfort, he just hoped he wasn't going to vomit on them all at once in the process to keep going.

It hit him though in a flash, Ron and Hermione.

Darting back through faster than he ever had in his life, he was back in front of the Entrance Hall where Ron and Hermione were searching anxiously for him, and he dragged them to the nearest available vacant room before telling them Voldemort had Sirius.

Hearing it said like that, put so bluntly for his own ears, Sirius sat deep into his seat and ran his hand down his face. It was fear, anger, desperation that had his knees dragging up to his chest, making several tight throat noises. He hated seeing what this was doing to his family, he couldn't stand watching Harry go through this when likely the only thing keeping him going face to face with Voldemort was the knowledge Harry was far away from this and safe.

They tried to ask questions, but Harry wouldn't hear of it as he told all he'd seen, that it was going to end soon with Voldemort killing him!

The truth hit them all, like a blow ready to topple the whole house. They looked from Harry, to Sirius, and they knew.

"No, no, Harry," Lily couldn't help pleading against the universe. "You can't go! That's-"

"I don't care," Harry said, his voice steadier than it had been since the vision. "I don't regret this," the truth of that at least put some center back in his life. "I had to help him," that though nearly broke something inside him permanently, and he had to use every ounce of self control to stop himself. The guilt was instantly coming back, and he feared his mind was only trying to hide the knowledge that he would be too late.

Lily's panic stilled, and she understood. She couldn't have sat idly by either, none of them would have, no matter what.

James had to make sure Harry knew this as he told him, "I know Harry. You've done the same I would do over and over again."

"We've certainly had enough practice at it," Remus muttered, he hadn't stopped shaking this whole time, but his voice swore nothing but a steady hand.

Sirius couldn't find it in himself to be angry at Harry like he should have been, he couldn't fault him for doing exactly what he'd have done as well in roles reverse. He looked up and shook himself off, his only regret being he probably hadn't a chance in his own time to tell Harry how proud he was, so he corrected that in here.

Without wanting it allowed for a single second, they all began to almost hope again. Harry would get there, he'd figure this out and he'd confront Voldemort and Sirius would get out of this!

Harry didn't know what to say, he most certainly had no sense of the same thing they were all trying to hide from him. He certainly didn't feel like he deserved it. In his panic hued mind, he just knew their comfort for him wouldn't last, though at this point it was impossible for this to get worse.

Then he demanded how they were going to get there?

Ron stuttered in surprise, trying to say but-

Harry cut them off angrily what was so important but that answer! He could not understand why they were looking at him as if unreasonable.

"Yes, because facing Voldemort at eleven over a Stone was fun, but now it's a little more overwhelming," Remus snapped.

Sirius gave him a hard nudge, he wouldn't begrudge anyone not wanting to go on this suicide mission for him, and he wouldn't let anyone else either no matter how much it hurt him if he'd really lost Ron and Hermione's loyalty somewhere along the way, he never thought he'd gotten that bad...

Hermione managed in a frightened voice how had Voldemort gotten Sirius inside the Ministry of Magic without anyone seeing?

Lily shivered hatefully as well as she tried to concoct scenarios for that, of Death Eaters and disguises and powerfully deep magic of a compliant Sirius up until the point it was no longer needed. She did not blame Hermione wanting to understand, but hopefully her priority would be as it had always been, helping those who needed it; though she instantly regretted the thought.

Harry was safe and alive, but was she? Ron? If Harry managed to save Sirius' life but got his friends killed in the process, somehow she knew how much worse that would feel, and her heart burned already at just the thought.

Harry shouted that didn't matter!

Hermione wouldn't give in though, saying how illogical this was, the two most notable faces just walking in in the middle of the afternoon?

Harry said that corridor was always empty when he was there-

but Hermione reminded he'd never actually been.

"Yes he has," James ground out, forcing himself not to start shouting at someone who wasn't here. "Once I'll give, but-"

"Stop James," Lily whispered quietly, putting her shaking hand over his. Clearly he hadn't been doing a very good job of that not shouting thing, as he realized his infant was squirming in discomfort in his grasp. He cradled his son, murmuring to him gently for a moment and only when he'd been soothed did Lily continue. "She's only trying to help, in her own way. She doesn't want this to be true anymore than us."

"Doesn't make this anymore helpful," James seethed, his vision still flashing red, but he couldn't seem to keep going anyways.

All he'd ever done was dreamt about the place.

Harry got right in her face as he reminded those weren't normal dreams! He'd seen Mr. Weasley's attack!

Ron was convinced now, but Hermione still couldn't let go of how unlikely this was, why was Sirius even there? He was supposed to be inside Grimmauld Place.

"Has she really believed that, because I was almost happier not," Remus said deadpan. It had been the only way he'd been coping with Sirius trapped back in that place at all hours, the thought of him getting out now and again, probably when he'd come over for a chance. He couldn't imagine how miserable his last friends life would have been in that past year, and the idea of him ending now, after all that, it wasn't bearable!

Ron offered he'd poked his nose out finally, he'd been locked up for ages-

but Hermione insisted on the why? Why would Voldemort take him to get this weapon?

"We know he's already tried to use one Order member and someone who works in the department, it does seem the criteria is a bit off," Lily agreed. Though she in no way begrudged Hermione questioning this like the boys so clearly did, she wished Hermione would do this on the way or something. She hated how Harry continued to look more sickly by the second, how he was likely to pass out or start crying, screaming, anything, but instead he kept pressing more words out as his only way to cope, and that was going to run out, they wouldn't let him say the words.

Harry did not regard this for a moment, but Ron wondered if Sirius might know something. His brother was a Death Eater, maybe he'd told Sirius something about this before he'd been murdered.

"But I haven't spoken to Regulus since he was sixteen," Sirius shook his head for that, "and he's certainly never mentioned anything like this. Last I heard our parents were only wanting him to join up as well, he hadn't even gotten in quite yet, though he'd hardly said he didn't want to," he finished bitterly, wishing he had a chance to understand that more. What had changed about Regulus he'd gone from severing his brother from his life for not wanting this, to trying to leave himself? While dead depressing to consider, somehow questioning this was helping him be a little more okay with his own, he certainly loved that the both of them would go out defying Voldemort in some way.

Harry jumped on this, saying it was probably why Dumbledore had kept Sirius locked up.

"I think Ron's made some good point though," James whispered. They'd thought all this had been for Sirius' own good, but was there some other reason going on there? Maybe not exactly as Ron had offered...

Hermione refused though, saying there was no proof Voldemort really had Sirius-

"Is his word not proof enough?" Remus demanded, looking very near murderous himself now.

"Moony," Sirius tried again.

"No!" Remus barked. "I am sick and tired of her demanding every answer! If you died because she was sitting around-"

"Remus," Harry cut in. He was not saying all this with the same anger had had in his youth at Hermione, and they just thought that was because he had Sirius with him now. That didn't mean he was going to let them berate his friends who weren't here.

Remus bit his tongue hard to stop himself going, admitting this wasn't helping either. Honestly he may have just been delaying, as he didn't want to hear the final blow when it would come no matter who had done what.

Ron shouted at her now Harry had seen these things-

but Hermione ignored him and told Harry all this more than likely tied back to Harry's saving people thing.

"Oh, that was entirely the wrong thing to say," Lily rubbed at her temple. She knew she could see Hermione's point here, she was trying to protect Harry and stop him from going, but that had been entirely the wrong way to do it.

James and Remus only stopped themselves ripping Hermione's head off for Harry's sake, that was not a trait they'd ever accuse him of when they found it one of his most admiring qualities considering his past, now it was being put to use to save their brother!

Voldemort knew this, and though she stuttered in a bit of surprise at the look on Harry's face,

"Clearly not enough, as she's still talking," James said through gritted teeth.

she tried to say this could all be-

Harry demanded if that's really what she thought this was, him acting the hero?!

Hermione said no, aghast that's what he'd grasped on.

"Then she'd better get to her point bloody fast," Sirius shook his head at her for this. If Hermione didn't want to help, then fine, but goading Harry like this was only going to make things worse.

She'd just meant Voldemort knew this about him! He'd taken Ginny into the Chamber to lure him there, and the same thing could be happening now, because he was the type of person to run to Sirius' aid as a lure-

"Does she really think you'd care?" Remus said aghast. How well did Hermione even know Harry, to really think that would stop him at a time like this?!

Harry roared he didn't care about that! There was no one here in the Order to tell,

Harry wasn't shouting now, his voice kept getting quieter with repression of all he was feeling, and nearly died right then and there. There was something he was missing, something it was impossible to concentrate on, and it helped nothing the panic and anger around him could offer nothing but fueling his own. Normally he found comfort they all cared so much to be feeling the same, but Harry suddenly wished he could claim some distance from this, just some time to think or he was really going to regret this...

and if they didn't leave right now, Sirius was going to die!

Hermione insisted what if this really was just a dream?

"I don't understand how she can think that!" James snarled with frustration. "Either she thinks he should have been learning Occlumency to stop seeing this, or she thinks he's losing his mind! She just said this could all be one plan, but now she's going to back saying it isn't even happening with nothing to back that up! Now is not the time for her to be flipping to one or the other at her choosing!"

Harry's shaking was increasing with every fiery word James spat. James wanted to keep shouting, to vent and rage at someone for putting Sirius into this situation, for Harry having to live through it twice now because of all this, but he probably couldn't have even if he'd wanted to, he was long since living off of reserve air since it didn't feel like there was any in here.

Harry made a maddening noise that had Hermione stepping back from him in fright. He shouted at the top of his lungs this was real! He'd been supposed to be learning Occlumency because no one wanted him to know these things! He didn't recall her complaints of saving people when he'd been protecting her from dementors, he even rounded on Ron and reminding he had saved Ginny from that Basilisk!

Ron said defensively he was on Harry's side.

"Yeah, don't turn on the one who's actually trying to be of help there," Remus spat, though Harry flinching made him instantly regret the harsh words pouring out.

Hermione forcefully put in he'd said it himself, no one had wanted him to see this and if he'd just been doing his Occlumency he never would have-

"Now who's creating facts, twisting up her own opinion," James seethed while Lily's hands tightened around his, both were trembling so much James lowered their baby into his lap so he wouldn't feel it as much. Now cushioned in his father's lap, it gave Lily the opportunity to brush at James' jaw, and soothe him for just a moment so he wouldn't keep making this worse for Harry arguing with someone who wasn't here.

Harry said louder than ever if she really thought he was going to pretend he hadn't seen this-

Hermione pleaded Sirius wouldn't him to-

Harry shouted at the top of his lungs he'd be saying something different right now!

"I don't know if you'd win that actually," Sirius sighed as he watched Harry, who looked up at him wild eyed. "Well I'm certainly not going to tell you off for what I'd have done in a heartbeat, but I won't say either I wanted you to see this! To know you-" he broke off, with a desperate look Harry understood. If Sirius' worst nightmare was going back to Azkaban, than it was his waking torment having to see Harry watch this happen.

For just a moment, Harry agreed, he wished he had never seen this, and it was breaking something inside him to keep going with this knowledge.

The classroom door opened then, Ginny and Luna coming in saying they'd heard him shouting.

Ginny offered if they could help, and Harry forcefully told them no and to get out.

Luna told him he was being rude.

"Oh, I wonder why that is," Lily rolled her eyes, the movement feeling very forced in her tense face. No one wanted anymore distractions, which was exactly what this felt like. Now it was more of a curse of delaying the inevitable, whatever that was, and this wasn't helping.

Hermione looked relieved though, saying they could help. They had to establish Sirius really wasn't at Headquarters.

Harry snarled he wasn't-

but Hermione pleaded to just do this! Check on Sirius, and if he wasn't there, she'd do whatever she could to save him!

"It's a waste of time," Remus hissed. "Harry's word should be good enough!"

"I'd just go without her and screw her non help," James agreed furiously. "When's she ever been there when Harry really needed her! He's always done this on his own-"

"Stop," Harry snapped, some of that anger from Hermione being pushed at them now. "It's not their fault I've always had to do this alone, I'm grateful for once in my life they are around! If this is what it takes to get Hermione to help than I'll do whatever she bloody asks, I need her."

James cursed several times in agitation, both in language and spells, though since he wasn't holding his wand now at least nothing was happening. He was beyond angry, frustrated, and a million other things at having to hear about this and he had no patience to put up with Harry's friend right now, but clearly he wasn't getting a say in the matter.

Harry shouted in her face again Sirius was being tortured now!

Lily was growing worried Harry wasn't acting the same way now as he had at fifteen. She wasn't sure she wanted to understand why, why was he still stuck on that resigned fear he was struggling so much more to shake off into anger like he had then?

Hermione insisted what if this was a trick!

Harry was forced to consider for a moment before he demanded how she planned this check then?

Umbridge's office, Hermione said at once. Ginny and Luna could help draw her away.

Clearly struggling to follow along, Ginny still agreed at once.

"I love this girl," Remus sighed. There was the proper response, why was Hermione missing it.

Luna simply asked if by Sirius, they meant Stubby Boardman?

"Let's go with yes," Sirius said slowly, as that's all he needed, some kid freaking out and calling the Aurors on top of everything...actually that could make something interesting if they saw Voldemort too, he liked to think they'd prioritize on the bigger threat.

She was ignored, as Harry said she'd better have a plan to do this right now, or he was going to the Department of Mysteries this instant.

Luna asked how he was getting there, and again, he ignored her.

"Why not just Floo there?" James offered with a mockery of his twisted grin. "Go along with Hermione's useless attempts to pretend like everything's okay, then get to the channel and go straight to the Ministry."

Harry moaned, he couldn't look at any of them as his head continued to beat furiously worse than ever. He had no answer, he'd had one simple goal in mind and that was get Hermione's help and go. Anything after that would be worked on the way, and this solution somehow had not worked its way in the process.

James had regretted asking Harry this at once, reaching out as soon as he realized what he'd done and holding his shoulder; slowly killing himself as he told Harry to just go on. If it killed him first at least he wouldn't have to hear the rest, but Harry would be okay because he'd have his answer and none of their stupid interruptions anymore.

Hermione did have a plan, saying Ron would go to her office and tell her Peeves was trashing the Transfiguration office, that was far enough away to keep her distracted for a solid five minutes.

Ron agreed at once, saying if he ran into Peeves on the way he could probably convince him to do it.

Harry shivered harder than ever, the book nearly slipping from his grasp. It was a stupid lie, why would something like that make him feel as if this could still somehow get worse!

It was a mark of the seriousness of the situation,

"Thank you so much Harry, but I'm sure we were all aware this situation is all about me," Sirius worked hard to get a smirk in place, to put his old teasing tone back in play.

Harry felt tears stinging at his vision for a moment, he couldn't even look at him for fear he'd burst. He'd never heard Sirius do that in his own time, his carefree and joking godfather had died in Azkaban, and now Harry couldn't rid himself of the idea no matter what plan was offered he was going to lose him in a much more permanent way.

Sirius looked pleadingly to James or Remus, like he almost wished one of them would smack him upside the head like they always did for that stupid joke, but neither could muster up the energy, both also fearing for this future of never hearing any such thing again and scolding him for doing it now would be like punishing themselves.

that Hermione made no objection to the real smashing up of the Transfiguration department. Instead she went to tell Ginny and Luna their part of the plan was to stop people being in Umbridge's office corridor while they were in there, Ginny at once offered the idea they'd spread Garrotting Gas like the twins were planning.

"What's that?" Sirius asked quickly, still it seemed trying to keep up some kind of conversation that no one wanted.

Lily took pity on him, even if he did know and was delaying she answered anyways. "It's actually quite dangerous, colorless and odorless, it wraps around your throat but of course no one can see what's happening, it'll take your head right off if it's in contact long enough. I hope Ginny's kidding about that being released in the school."

"I'm sure she was," Sirius opted to soothe some concern. "The twins prank more likely involved a severed head and claiming the cause."

Harry had never been more torn in his life about wanting to interrupt them and keep going before this pain in his skull was the death of him, or let them keep talking and help distract. The answer came to him easily enough, as his eyes seemed dragged back to the words, for an answer none of them could give.

When Hermione looked to her in surprise at the readiness of this fib, Ginny admitted the twins had been planning to do this before they left.

"Can we just skip to the part where you're visiting the twins on the opening day of their shop?" Sirius huffed, clearly still wanting more than any of them not to be hearing about this.

Remus gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze, and Sirius actually felt worse. He was supposed to be offering comfort for them, not the other way around, but it was getting harder by the moment to manage that as Harry's desperation kept growing with every word.

Hermione let it go and told Harry she'd be with him under the cloak inside the office, and Harry recognized this as her sign of loyalty.

Harry paused for just a moment to glare at Remus and James like he was hoping for an apology. Neither would back down, they still felt Hermione was wasting time, but both let their shoulders drop just a bit in recognition for Hermione trying...in her own way, even if it wasn't helpful now.

Harry agreed and went to go get his cloak, Hermione saying in surprise he wanted to do this now?

"Did she really think just because she offered some idea he'd put this idea off till summer," Remus couldn't help but keep furiously muttering.

Harry reminded Sirius was being tortured right now!

Hermione backed down and agreed they'd meet him at the end of Umbridge's office corridor.

Harry didn't wait around for more, flat out running to his common room and flat ignoring Seamus and Dean trying to pull him into a conversation about a common room party celebrating the end of exams.

Sirius ran his hand furiously through his hair again. He kept wishing for that to be Harry's life, and it never seemed to happen!

They didn't even seem to realize his hurry as they kept chatting about Harold Dingle offering to sell them some Firewhiskey.

"Who are they going to test to make sure it's not more Doxie droppings?" Sirius asked, his eyes shining too bright, and huffing in frustration when he was ignored. He wished now more than ever this was all Harry's greatest concern, but if Harry found out later he'd been partying while this had been happening to him, somehow that would be even worse on his pup, there was just no winning.

Harry made it back in time to watch the plan being put into motion, he and Hermione slipping under the cloak as the two girls went to opposite ends of the corridor and Ron went to get rid of Umbridge.

Hermione took the pause to ask if Harry was okay, he looked very pale.

"Oh yes, he's absolutely spiffing," Lily hissed. Hermione insisting to keep trying and soothe this was helping no one.

Harry did not answer, focusing more on his scar, sure it would pain him much worse than it was if Sirius had been dealt a fatal blow, it had been hurting even worse than this when Avery was being punished.

James made a pitiful whimpering noise, if Lily's hands hadn't been keeping his together tightly he'd have covered his ears again to stop that one getting through too late. He could never picture that, Sirius suffering like some wretched Death Eater!

There was a slight delay, as they heard Ginny arguing with someone and not believing her story, but Ginny won the argument and the corridor was now clear. Hermione whispered they were good now until the signal, which was one of them singing Weasley is our King.

"Well I can't say they're not good at this at least," Remus huffed, they'd covered their bases anyway.

Harry had grabbed Sirius' knife again as well, and he used it to again get through Umbridge's door. Hermione said in concern she'd thought there would be more protection up after that last niffler as the door swung open.

"Who says she didn't, Garroting Gas isn't the only thing that's undetectable sometimes," James sighed, but he couldn't be bothered with that now, whatever got them out of there faster, and being on a time limit was doing that just fine.

Harry ignored that as he surged forward, put his head back in the fireplace, and again sent half of himself along to Grimmauld place.

"You're only using your head again?" Sirius was curious about this one. "If you're trying to prove Hermione's point, then dashing around the whole place would have been much more helpful, I wouldn't necessarily hear you shouting from the kitchen if I'm up in Buckbeak's room again."

Harry couldn't stop it this time, as he doubled over and a wrenching pain shot through him like his own brain was fighting to get out.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Sirius pleaded at once, trying to wrap an arm around Harry. "No more stupid questions, promise!"

Harry pulled away though, he wouldn't accept comfort for this right now! It hurt too much to look at any of them, to know what his future was doing to their life, so he snatched the book back to him and kept going with more force than ever, he wouldn't let his mind do this to him if he had to curse it again to make it stop.

There was no one there, and though he'd been expecting this, it only managed to somehow make his panic worse. He still called out desperately, but oddly it was Kreacher who realized he was there, his hands newly heavily bandaged.

'What did he do to deserve that?' Sirius huffed with only the flicker of a thought. He did not speak this one aloud though, he'd already learned that lesson and they all feared if they interrupted Harry again with another question the sweat pouring down his face would somehow really find a way to take his whole head off. He'd come too close in the past to pushing himself too far, and if a moment had come where he might really do that to himself, this was it. They had to be more careful than ever not to push him, or let him do that to himself; finding out the answer to this too soon could mean Harry's death as surely as Sirius'.

Kreacher seemed almost pleased to see him, asking what he was doing here?

Harry demanded where Sirius was, and Kreacher said he was gone.

Harry demanded where.

'Now who's wasting time,' James bounced uneasily in place, his knee jittering so much his son nearly slipped right out of his lap. He forced himself to remain still, this was not Harry's fault, whatever happened...

Kreacher merely laughed, and Harry begged if anyone else was here. Kreacher denied this, saying he was all alone with his mistress again. Harry yelled one last time where was Sirius, was he at the Department of Mysteries?

"He wouldn't know that sweetheart," Lily almost managed to calmly tell him, but the reminder meant nothing to him.

Kreacher merely threw his head back and laughed, Harry shouting louder than ever Kreacher knew where he was!

'So do you,' Remus was biting his tongue until he tasted blood to stop himself snapping that at Harry. He couldn't understand why he was doing this Hermione's way at all, now he was sitting around arguing with an elf?! If Sirius wasn't right beside him right now he knew he'd have knocked down anyone in his way to get to him.

Kreacher only gleefully stated his master was never coming back, he was alone with his mistress again.

None of them had been in doubt about this, but somehow hearing Kreacher actually laugh about the fact made it real to Sirius like nothing yet had. He was going to die, never to come back to that house just like he swore when he was sixteen and Kreacher had laughed then too when the door had slammed shut behind him, except now this time, he wouldn't be getting a choice in that...

Harry could do nothing as the elf went back out of sight, but suddenly he was being wrenched back into Umbridge's office, with the woman's hand clutching his hair, head tilted all the way back to face her as if she were about to slit his throat.

Lily said something quite unintelligible in an angry shriek that had their infant crying up a storm. She couldn't take it anymore, the last thing they needed was Umbridge interfering in this!

It took all of his concentration to convince his infant to stop, and finally James realized he was being selfish. He wanted his son down here for that comfort, the warmth seeing his child always managed to give him, but now they were hurting him and nothing was worth that. He had to wrestle his way back to his feet to go and put him back in his crib, and Lily followed him studiously.

Sirius watched them go with a critical eye, but Harry made a desperate noise when he'd made to follow, and Sirius acknowledged he couldn't leave Harry right now, but those two had better come back- they were within the next moment. They were protecting their infant as well as putting themselves in any way they could to be helping Harry through this as well as Sirius.

There was already a scuffle going on as Hermione's wand was being taken away, and before Harry knew it his was as well. Umbridge kept her hold on Harry bent double backwards as she demanded to know why he was in her office?

Harry was quite glad he had the book now, finally something he could focus on. He could feel the tense disgust of those around him, even in their panic of Sirius' fate they could never condone anything that was being done to Harry like this, and any of them would have likely ripped the book to shreds again for that woman putting her hands back on Harry like this. Harry though didn't want the break of having to deal with repairing the book again, because this wasn't important right now. He didn't have a care for this, it was only helping him to finally redirect his thoughts into something manageable other than utter panic, and dealing with Umbridge was just that.

Harry gave a lie of looking for his Firebolt, but Umbridge knew that for what it was at once as she pushed him away and he collided with her desk. Now he had a better view of the office, and he saw all four of them were being held by members of the Inquisitorial squad, as well as Neville. All four were gagged.

James felt it somewhere in him, surprise for something, but it was quickly overrode by his thudding heart that refused to let anything else flash across his mind but Sirius writhing at Voldemort's feet. He couldn't picture this in his head like he normally could, was hardly following along with what Harry was telling him unless it put him one step closer to being back near Sirius.

Umbridge looked just as surprised to see Neville as Harry, so Warrington explained while keeping a choke hold on him that he'd tried to stop them from taking Ginny.

Umbridge was unconcerned as she turned back to Potter, nodding at Ron and saying he'd sent this buffoon,

"Name calling, that's what we've been resorted to?" Sirius said flatly, he couldn't believe he was still one of the only ones trying to mock this, but he didn't know what else to do with himself being sandwiched as he was.

to come draw her away, though Filch had been in only moments before telling her Peeves was in fact messing with the telescopes on the Astronomy tower.

Lily's hands tightened into fists around James, her nails digging in painfully to his and he really couldn't even concentrate on that. It was yet another injustice in their son's life he couldn't seem to go one moment, for anything to have gone right!

It was clearly important he get in here, and she wanted to know why! Was he speaking to Dumbledore, or that oaf Hagrid? It couldn't be McGonagall, she was still unable to speak to anyone.

Malfoy laughed along with the rest of his squad.

Remus made a disgusted noise, his anger beating through him so much he felt as if for the first time in his life he understood Moony, that anger and power surging through a body he had no control over, merely wanting to strike out at something when there was nothing there. If it wasn't for Padfoot and Prongs being right here he may well have snapped and tried to take someone's throat out for laughing at a time like this!

Harry gave the reply of it was none of her business.

Umbridge took to this by telling Draco to go fetch Snape.

Harry withered on the spot, feeling woozy and sick as one of his earlier problems flushed back to him in understanding. He'd forgotten about an Order member, he'd forgotten about Snape!

"That, that-" Remus stuttered as he tried to cling to his anger, trying to force some justification how this had occurred to none of them, but suddenly they felt like arrogant, fool headed idiots! Snape was the largest prick of their life, but surely he was the one person left who had some means to contact the Order! He'd insult Harry and belittle him and do everything to make them want him dead while doing it, but all of this was actually for nothing!

Lily sobbed, hot bitter tears actually tracing down her cheeks. If Snape hadn't spent the past five years treating her son like scum, maybe he would have crossed their mind in time in time for help, her mind, as once someone she'd trusted completely. Now suddenly he hadn't even been considered as a last resort because of all the horrible things he'd done, now he was just the one leaving them all clinging to some desperate last attempt that someone other than Harry could know what was being done to their brother.

James pulled her tight to him, brushing at her cheeks and refusing to let her feel this alone, but James only felt the blame for this all the more. It always circled back to him and Snape, if he'd just ignored Snape rather than everything he'd done to him Harry would have someone to turn to, Sirius might have already been out of this mess, but no, because of James bloody Potter Snape hadn't crossed Harry's mind until it was almost too late, maybe it already was.

Sirius shook his head furiously, he'd had enough. He couldn't just sit here and keep watching the lot of them like this, and he reached for the book again. For now he'd only been intending to read it, like he was hoping himself pushing through this would put this back into perspective for them he was still here now to read about old Snivellus once again ruining their life, but this time Harry ignored him intentionally, he wouldn't be coddled for another of his mistakes!

Malfoy jogged off to do just that, and Harry didn't even realize it as he felt the weight of his own stupidity.

"You weren't the only one," Remus bitterly reminded, his eyes still distant and hardly hearing a thing.

"Hermione forgot too," Sirius reminded loudly in hopes to keep their attention, and that did work for just a moment. Hermione, who'd been trying everything to keep Harry from doing this, had no more remembered the last standing member at the school than any of them. It didn't make them feel better, but it was just a touch less miserable to realize.

The rest of Harry's friends spent the few minutes waiting trying to escape their captors. Hermione was being pinned against the wall by Millicent Bulstrodes back, Ron had a cut lip and was trying to wrestle out of his arm being twisted behind his back, Ginny was trying to kick the shin of her captors and Neville was slowly turning blue from the choke hold. Luna alone seemed unconcerned, gazing out the window as if bored with all this.

"Honestly, that could be the most terrifying and useful thing of all," Sirius managed with forced chipper. "Surprise attack, act limp until they're least expecting it."

"Something you'd never master if you lived to a hundred," Lily tried to snip back, her reflex of picking on him never seemed to die off at least, and Sirius smirked at her.

Snape came quickly to the summons, looking around the sight with indifference.

"And here I thought I'd finally found something to make that walking grease trap smile, children in pain," Sirius said in vain, there was always one good fall back and that was insulting Snape. He didn't even get a reaction from Lily that time though.

Umbridge politely requested another bottle of Veritaserum from him.

"Another?" James demanded in surprise. He'd thought nothing could distract him from his vivid mental image, but that certainly had, and though a part of him wanted to die at misplacing his fear for Sirius for even a moment, it truly did turn out his son could keep his attention over anything.

Snape reminded she'd taken his last bottle to interrogate Potter.

"But when did she-" Remus began in genuine confusion before it snapped together in their mind. Umbridge offering Harry a drink, and how she'd kept questioning him after he'd supposedly done it...

"Merlin's wand that woman!" Lily yelped, her blotchy face far more menacing than Umbridge's could ever hope to be. "She, she actually-"

"I can't say I'm surprised," Sirius said in disgust as he watched Harry, "but glory am I more proud than ever you didn't take a drop of that!"

"Could, could she really have, could I really have told her-" Harry gasped in fear.

"No," James comforted even if this had long since happened. "Sirius is under protection from that house in a ton of magical ways, at least one of which is the Fidelius Charm, and you can't be magically forced to say anything about someone under that. It has to be willing. You just couldn't have answered."

Harry nodded slowly, his hand clenched painfully along the book as the scar on his right hand burned more than it ever had from those detentions. He couldn't believe what Umbridge had almost made him do, like it would be his fault if Sirius- Harry shook again, rasping in pain and nearly reduced to tears himself from it all. He had to keep going, that would make this better, whatever his thoughts were trying to kill him with would be ignored if he just kept going!

He asked if she'd really used it all? He'd told her three drops would be sufficient.

Umbridge flushed.

"She could have killed you!" Lily said faintly as she still hadn't gotten over this realization, even if the implications weren't pertaining to Sirius anymore. "That much, from that vial! You'd have told every secret you'd ever had and then dropped dead from such an amount!"

"Let's just be grateful for Moody and that blue eyed kitten then," James soothed, stroking her hair as they kept watching Harry more grateful than ever, something he could not understand in his current mind set.

Umbridge demanded he make more then, and Snape said that would take a month. He wasn't surprised to find Potter in here, he'd never shown much care for school rules.

He flickered his gaze to Harry with a malicious smile, and Harry pressed the image still filling his mind, yearning for Snape to see it, to understand!

"That'll work though," Sirius hissed in triumph, even if the idea of being rescued by Snivellus made him contemplate if being around Voldemort wasn't just a touch better- he cut that thought off, even he knew when something wasn't funny.

Snape offered her some poison, but those were often too fast acting to do her any good for interrogations.

"He's, lying, to her," Lily said slowly as her brain worked sluggishly to realize this. That was a flat out lie, there were several poisons Snape more than likely had on stock that could leave a person in horrid amounts of pain for days, concocted purely for the act of interrogations. There were even other levels of truth serum Snape likely had on hand, yet he was denying any knowledge of all that...the warmth that suddenly flushed through her made her want to leap up and hug him for the first time since he'd appeared in these. He was a hateful, bitter arse to her son and everyone he seemingly came in contact with, but her old friend Sev did still exist! He was trying to help Harry!

The others watched this revelation flood over Lily with only minimal care, even as they realized the same thing. Though if Snape was the cause of Sirius getting out of this, the Marauders all grudgingly vowed they wouldn't speak a mean word of him again...okay, maybe at least not wish him dead anymore.

Snape again glanced at Harry, who began mentally chanting what was going through his mind in desperation.

"This only goes to show how piss he was at teaching Occlumency though," for the first time in his life, there wasn't a touch of anything remotely cruel when speaking of Snape in James' tone. "He would have grasped that with the image you showed him, he's not that stupid." Even the insult at the end held nothing but polite information.

Umbridge put him on probation for being unhelpful.

"Now she knows our grief," Remus agreed.

She'd expected better of him at a time like this with all Lucius Malfoy had said of him.

"Well that's what she gets taking the word of a Death Eater," Sirius sniffed.

"Lesson likely not learned," James said grimly.

Snape turned to leave the office, and in one last desperate attempt Harry shouted after him he had Padfoot at the place where it was hidden!

"That was, brilliant Harry!" James breathed, his eyes finally flitting with pure, real hope. "He'd know our nicknames, even if he hadn't realized where in the Department of Mysteries before, he would now!"

Harry struggled to look up at them like he'd been previously refusing to, he couldn't at all grasp what they were feeling about this because he knew it was all for nothing. His panic wasn't slowing, his urge to run away or never let Sirius go again still at war. This was only a distraction, a problem in his way, but they were all acting like this was going to make it better. He wished he could believe them, and it crushed him to take that away from them when he kept going without a hint of agreeing.

Umbridge grew excited at once, demanding to know what all that meant?

"Far more than you could ever understand," Sirius hissed. He refused to allow Harry to keep torturing himself as he tightened his hold on him, Snape had to do one useful thing in his life, right?

Snape coldly said he had not a clue. Before he left he told Crabbe to loosen his hold on Longbottom before he suffocated, even he couldn't make that look good on an application for his future.

"Oh, well that's nice. At least he doesn't contend murder on students, we've finally found where he draws the line," Remus mock celebrated.

"Lets see how far that extends," James whispered, fear still gripping him from saying more as he looked from Harry to Sirius, he couldn't shake off as easily his son was showing no signs of relief at this taking place.

He closed the door behind him with a snap, leaving Harry in a state of worse turmoil than before: Snape had been his very last hope.

"What makes you think he didn't understand?" Lily pleaded. "What did you want him to do, wink at you? If he'd given a clue he did know what you meant, Umbridge would have done something preventing him from telling even longer!"

"I, I don't know," Harry said miserably, he couldn't look at any of them for fear he'd start seeing that hate any moment he was so sure would come eventually. He kept going loudly to prevent anyone saying more, he had no defense for himself now more than ever for what came next.

Umbridge began pacing furiously, saying she had no alternative, this was an issue of Ministry security.

"I don't like this, and I thought I was already at that limit," Sirius muttered uneasily, he didn't like to think what Umbridge would do to Harry when she was pushed to her breaking point, which they seemed to have reached.

She turned on Potter, the wand drawn, and said the Cruciatus Curse should loosen his tongue.

James's jaw flopped open, he was sure he hadn't heard that right! There was just no way the universe would do this to him, having Harry and Sirius being tortured at the same time! James would absolutely lose his mind, he would snap in half, there was no doubt of this!

Hermione shrieked at Umbridge that was illegal!

"Much of what she's done has been illegal, this is-" Lily couldn't keep going, in anger or fear or anything, her head was throbbing as hard as Harry's must be, her vision was double. This could not be happening to her son again!

Umbridge gave this no care as she pointed her wand at different parts of Harry's body as if deciding where this would hurt the worst.

Sirius could not breathe. Even being under Voldemort's foot right now would never hurt as bad as this! That madman wasn't poking and prodding trying to decide how to do the most pain, he just inflicted! The Cruciatus Curse came from intent, of how much pain you wanted to cause, now it was being decided what was worse than that!

The worst part to all of them was still Harry's lack of, of anything! He kept going with the same flighty panic as when he'd started because all he could think about was this happening to Sirius, clearly the same being bestowed upon him was not crossing his mind!

Muttering mostly to herself what the Minister didn't know wouldn't hurt him, he'd never known about her dementors from last summer, but he'd certainly been delighted by the chance they offered.

There was something deeply wrong going on here when that just didn't feel as important as everything going on right now. Oh no, it hadn't been a freak accident at all, this was even better! Another reason to kill Umbridge when they had an overwhelming amount of those!

Harry gasped in surprise that had been her!

Umbridge agreed with a heavy breath, her wand finally pointing directly at his forehead as she stated she'd been the only one to try and do something about silencing him.

"Gold star! I'm sure Fudge would have somehow given you another promotion if he'd found out-" Sirius rasped out, but it was getting harder every second to say any single thing...

The curse was on the tip of her tongue when Hermione shouted out in anguish they'd tell, there was no point not to!

Remus was convinced right then he'd lost his mind. There was just no way Hermione would ever cave to this! Of everything she was, coward had never been one at the top of the list. Then he really considered the situation...and he almost pitied her in understanding. If, if she really couldn't bare to see Harry being tortured, would she really give up everything? Sirius, the Order, all to stop that happening to Harry? Would any of them really do differently?

Hermione began to cry weakly into the back of Millicent Bulstrode's robes.

Lily was damn near close to sobbing again as well. She couldn't stand it, listening to Harry go through that again, the first time had been the worst moment of her life and now she couldn't even look back on that with the knowledge she'd swoop in and save her son again. Hermione had though, and she'd never wanted to hug someone more in her life for being there for her son.

Millicent jumped away in disgust. Her friends tried to stop her, but Hermione pushed her hands to her face and sobbed harder. As Harry watched though, he could not spot a tear.

"You can dry sob of course. It's really an emotion that just pours out, tears aren't always a factor-" James was babbling, more out of shame than anything for everything he'd called her. Of course Hermione cared, even if it wasn't for Sirius like she had no right to. She was putting herself in terrible danger and trouble and all sorts of things just to defend Harry though, and he wanted to apologize endlessly for everything he'd called her these past days for always really being there when they needed her most for Harry.

Lily had patted his cheek in sympathy to get him to stop, and though one very tiny knot inside of Harry felt the first wriggle of relief his family didn't seem to despise the closest thing he had to a sister anymore, it still wasn't enough to distract him from the guilt tearing up the rest of him from the inside.

She apologized, but she just couldn't stand it anymore!

Umbridge was back to that poisonously sweet nature as she soothed this was a good thing, asking her who had Potter been trying to contact?

Hermione said Dumbledore.

Lily moved so fast Harry didn't even realize the book was gone until he was just looking at his hands, and he glared furiously at her in protest.

"Harry, forcing yourself to read all this so fast is making you sick, now breath for a minute," she told him before turning to her wide eyed husband and confirming, "I heard that right, right?"

"Hermione lied," Remus agreed, his tongue felt swollen to twice its normal size in his mouth from having bitten it so hard before.

"This is a ruse," James whispered, burning through so many emotions lately he felt light headed from such a new, abrupt one that he still managed to lace back to Sirius. In all their panic of Umbridge wasting more time in getting to him, somehow Sirius was channeling his spirit into Hermione now.

Sirius burst out laughing. It was chaotic, maybe had one too many hiccups with stops and stuttering starts, but oh boy was he trying for that carefree tone to finally put light back into this again.

Harry watched him for a long time, as long as he was willing to try, because he never wanted this to end. To see Sirius grinning when the only thing filling his mind was that pain etched into his face from what Voldemort was doing to him. That must be why he was feeling so guilty, because Sirius was only there because of him, of that he was sure. It wasn't quite connecting though, and apparently he couldn't stay distracted no matter what Sirius did. He kindly reached back to his mother and took the book back, not to be delayed in anything, even the man himself, to understand what he'd done so wrong to lose this from his life.

The reaction from Harry's friends was telling, they all stopped their own attempts to get away to gaze at her, even Luna now looked mildly surprised.

"Now there's really saying something, considering she wasn't even following along with the real problem in the first place," Remus said mildly only to appease Sirius, as he'd been watching Harry worriedly he couldn't do anything to keep his pup from sinking lower into himself any moment. Sirius did give Moony a real smile, so it had been worth it as they all kept watching Harry berate himself with every word.

This was given no attention, thankfully, or Hermione's job could have been up.

"I mean, I think they still would have written them off as indignation Hermione was telling the truth," Sirius said with the first real breath of lively conversation he'd felt since Harry's vision.

"Lets just be happy they have no attention span, something I'm sure you can understand," Lily muttered without a touch of heat in her barb considering this was no more distracting to them than if Hickory had just come back in the room. This was just a parting fact, a side portion going on when they wouldn't deny they wanted to get right back to hearing of Sirius' rescue no matter how that happened.

Umbridge ate it right up, asking if it had worked?

Hermione said no, they'd still been trying at places like The Leaky Cauldron and the Hog's Head-

Umbridge called her an idiot, they wouldn't find him at places like that being so wanted by the Ministry.

"Why do I now feel like that's exactly what he'd be doing?" James said in exasperation.

"Certainly the Hogs Head, anybody could blend in there, and he wouldn't even be far from the school," Remus said with almost a touch of hope. Like a robed man with a masked face would walk in any minute and reveal himself to be Dumbledore with the perfect solution to get Sirius out of this.

Hermione wouldn't be stopped, clutching her face tighter as she wailed they had to tell him something important, with still absent tears behind the sobbing noises.

"I hope she tried poking herself in the eye, that'll manage something," Lily murmured in an honest attempt at helpful advice while all the boys paused to look at her for such a thing on her part and she only just managed an old sly grin and a remorseless shrug. "Yes, I've had to fake crying in my past a few times, that's not the point now."

James disagreed, he always wanted to know everything about her and he'd never heard this one, but the pressing matter of Sirius still weighed the most on him, and he took just the smallest amount of comfort he could ask her later and listen to Sirius laugh when she told the story, after...but right now it felt impossible to even think that far ahead.

Umbridge eagerly asked what was so important then, and Hermione said the weapon was done.

Umbridge looked ready to pop as she asked if this was a weapon constructed under Dumbledore's orders, something against the Ministry?

"Letting them answer themselves rather than making up your own excuses tends to work like a charm, how is Hermione such a pro at this?" Sirius said weakly, his still the most honest and genuine smile for this happening.

Hermione agreed, still faux crying they couldn't find him to tell him it was ready.

Umbridge at once said for her to be led to this weapon.

Remus still couldn't get over the fact, "is she making this up on the spot? Where could Hermione even lead her?"

"Room of Requirements?" Sirius offered as he thought wildly, though no place in the castle could have a trap set up quick enough to get them out of their hair.

"She already knows about that place, but she might not understand it's full capabilities, it could work," James agreed honestly just to shut them up. He didn't care if they just pushed Umbridge out the window to get rid of her, Harry needed to be back on his way. He'd get retribution later on Azkaban's newest cellmate for what she tried to do to Harry later.

Hermione peeked up from her fingers, her face now showing fear as she said she wasn't showing them while gesturing to the Inquisitorial Squad.

Umbridge at first wasn't impressed, saying she didn't set the terms here.

Hermione went on to sob back into her hands that was fine then, she hoped Umbridge showed the whole school so that anyone could learn about it.

"Nice," Sirius drew the word out for dramatic fashion, holding it as long as he could but not as long as he was capable as Remus smacked him to get him to stop, not denying his hand was still shaking hard the whole time.

Umbridge gave an uneasy look to her crew for the first time, and Malfoy wasn't quick enough to hide his eager smirk.

"Ha!" Sirius let out a bark of laughter that had even worked! He'd been congratulating Hermione on the attempt, he couldn't believe Umbridge had fallen for it!

Harry paused then, actually taking a shaking breath as he glanced to Sirius, his eyes still wild with panic he may never hear that again if ever this ended...but surely the world he'd come from wasn't so cruel as that. He'd find a way to save Sirius...right?

Umbridge agreed then, it would just be the two of them and Potter.

Malfoy tried to say someone should-

Umbridge stated coldly she could handle two wandless teenagers without help.

"I know she can't," Lily said at once without a trace of fear. Harry and Hermione individually would be a formidable force to that doily dolt, but the two together, even Harry not knowing Hermione's plan if even there was one, Umbridge wouldn't know what hit her anymore than them.

She grabbed Hermione by the arm, pointed Harry out the door first, and told the others to stay here and be watched before Hermione began leading the way.

Harry tried to turn the page quickly, to not let anyone see his chapter was over. He still couldn't put the bare of this onto anyone else, he had to know this for himself and just hope he could handle whatever the answer was without losing everyone he cared about, then and now.

HPHPHPHP

Gah, sorry I know the first half was probably cheesy as hell, it really dragged on me, but I really didn't want that giant space in between them all for the parts to come, and they weren't all going to fit on one couch. The worst part is, this isn't even the worst to come yet, so I hope you guys can bare with me through what is probably my worst mode, I always think my comfort comes off more cheesy than anything.

*Not something I really had a moment to think about in fic, but who was teaching Transfiguration during this time? Were classes just canceled, being the end of the year and all, and it was like previous DADA teachers gone so they just had those periods free? That's what I'm going with.

#The life that Never LIved #Harry Potter #fanfiction #reading the books #OotP #HP #Maraduers #Jilly #James Potter #Remus Lupin #Sirius black #Lily Potter

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literaryavalanche · 4 years ago

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Opening Lines Tag Game

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 stories, choose your favorite opening line, then tag 20 of your favorite authors.

Tagged by: @joeys-piano - Thanks so much for tagging me in here, this tag looks fun!

FYI: I’m sticking to my Tomarry fics here so any fics I’ve updated recently for other fandoms won’t be listed

To Swallow The Sun - Rated M: WIP at 50k+ words -

“Sugar quills!”

Resurrection Stone - Rate M: WIP at 41k+ words -

Thunder rumbled outside the Tudor style manor nestled snugly into the green overgrowth of a garden, spattering the window with little droplets of rain that threw strange shadows across the green and gold furnished room; the thick covering of the bed and the young boy sitting atop it.

The Killing Instinct - Rated M: WIP at 122k+ words -

The deep gorge dropped away below him, plummeting down towards the far distant silver ribbon of the half-frozen river at the bottom at a startling angle.

The Language of Thorns - Rated M: 116k words -

The place where the blade-long fang of the basilisk had pierced his arm was now reduced to little more than a scar; raised and puckered and not quite round, it reflected the glow of the sun with a sheen of silver-pink.

Novam Aetatem - Rated T: 6404 words -

After the first three days, Nagini had stopped trying to speak to him.

The Glass Serpent and the Dark Horse - Rated M: WIP 106k+ words -

‘Stay for him, if not for me Tom. You have a son.’

The Galaxy Between Us - Rated M: WIP that might be rewritten idk 32k+ words -

‘Be-boo weew!’ The shrill pitched binary shattered the quiet of early morning laying thick over the one room house (calling it a ‘house’ was really overstating things, to be quite honest, but it sheltered him from Jakku’s extremes and that was what really mattered) and the young raven on the stone slab which was all he had to pass as a bed shifted with a low groan.

Avarice - Rated M: 104k words -

Harry James Potter, Golden Boy, Boy-Who-Lived, Star Seeker, Gryffindor Lion, doubted that he would ever understand why fate hated him so bloody much.

Amortentia - Rated G: 1263 words -

Rain pattered softly against the window of the grand manor, trickling down the glass.

Diadromi Tou Oedipus - Rated M: 58k words -

It was nothing new for Harry Potter to be dragged behind the Dark Lord’s eyes at the behest of strong emotions-usually rage and sometimes happiness-but it had never been confusion before.

- - - A pattern that I’ve noticed in my work is that I like to either start with a line of dialogue or by establishing a setting. I have some of my older works from before I took a break from writing for the HP fandom here alongside my newer ones, and I’m surprised to see that-with the exception of TSTS-there line length doesn’t differ too terribly much.

I don’t have a beta because I can’t hold onto a chapter once I’ve finished it but if I did they’d probably have some things to say about the opening few paragraphs of some of my fics being maybe too wordy.

Tagging Writers: @infinite-time-3 @cybrid @feyriddle @shi-hane and anyone else who might want to join in with this tag. It was a lot of fun to go back through my work and try and pick out patterns.

#tom riddle #harry potter #tomarry #tag game #tagged

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remus-la-swearwolf · 5 years ago

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I have no idea what I wrote, but I’m feeling somewhat angsty rn, so enjoy this self-indulgent (wait, how is this self-indulgent?) oh yeah, because my brother’s busy on his playstation using ‘gay’ as an insult fic or read it on A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22763209

Sirius growls and fumbles with his keys in the lock, trying to force them into the jammed mechanism. This shitty flat isn't his home, and the neighbours who surround him aren't his family.

Sirius wrenches the key to the side. The door bursts open, finally, but the key is crooked when he pulls it out. When he tries, it won't bend back. He stares at the defiant piece of metal in his palm, and tosses it carelessly on the wobbling table under the chipped mirror. He'll have to get the key fixed.

It's dark outside, and the flat is cold and empty. He's exhausted, after the day he's had, and he'd like nothing more than to collapse into bed and forget himself in sleep, but his bed is cold and empty, and the springs dig into his skin through the worn padding. Undoubtedly, the couple upstairs are going to have loud sex the second that Sirius crawls under the thin covers, so he decides to camp on the grimy sofa without changing out of his clothes, like he's been doing since before he even moved out.

He closes his aching eyes with a weary sigh, and thinks that if he has to spend one more hour in that courtroom, listening to all his flaws and faults being bared before the eyes of some unsympathetic judge who'd heard it all before a thousand times, he'd go mad.

He knows he's the one who's messed up, and he's the one whose fault it is that they were in this mess in the first place, but that doesn't make hearing it any easier for him. He's always had a selfish streak when it came to drowning in his feelings and self-pity.

The flashing light of a street lamp outside burns through his eyelids, and he groans and turns his face away, wishing he could hide from all of his problems so easily. Remus isn't the only one he's let down.

"Moony, why's Padfoot gone?"

Remus looks at the child in front of him, and tries to crush down the overwhelming guilt and pain that wells up within him. He's already lost his parents once, and Remus can't bear to put him through it all again. He swallows back the swelling lump in his throat, and blinks rapidly until his eyes stop stinging. For Harry's sake.

Harry continues to stare up at him with big green eyes, and once again, Remus is forcefully reminded of Lily. He wonders how things might have been if she and James were still here. Perhaps if Peter hadn't lied that night, about Regulus and Remus, Sirius wouldn't have stormed off on his motorcycle, and James and Lily wouldn't have crashed searching for him, knowing how impetuous and rash Sirius could be. Sirius' downfall was always going to be how self-destructive he was.

Remus clears his throat, and wets his dry lips. He doesn't know what to tell the boy. "Uncle Padfoot -- Sirius -- he's-- he's going through a lot. He can't be here right now, but he still loves you very much," he says, but it comes out as a hoarse whisper.

"Will he ever be back?" Harry asks, eyes full of hurt. It must be like like losing his parents, all over again, and Remus' heart aches.

He can't tell this boy that it's over between him and Sirius, and that Harry won't ever have his Uncle Moony and Padfoot together again. He can't tell Harry that his other Godfather is a reckless, imploding disaster, that this is what's finally set the dynamite inside of him off, and that it isn't good for Harry or Remus to have him around. He can't tell Harry that it hurts Sirius every time he looks at him, and that the grief and guilt stab him in the heart like a knife every time he looks up and meets Lily's eyes in James' face, living on in their son. It hurts Sirius to be around Harry, and it isn't Harry's fault, but Sirius can't stand it, and both Harry and Remus have suffered for it.

"I dunno, Harry," Remus answers for the fourteenth time in seven days. "I dunno."

The form on the table in front of him is mocking him. Sirius is sure of it. He stares at the swimming letters and numbers, and growls, shoving a hand up in his hair. He reaches for the penpot he's kept (a habit picked up from Remus) and knocks it over, so that all the leaky and dried-up biros are scattered across the table. He reaches for the nearest one, and carves his signature onto the paper, not caring anymore about what the document signifies.

Or at least that's what he tells himself.

He crumples the paper up and shoves it into the pocket of his leather jacket, and grabs his keys, not bothering to lock the flat up after he leaves. The key probably wouldn't work anyway.

The drive is long, seeing as he's moved across town, but he needs this. The purr of the motorcycle beneath him, and the wind whipping at the long, uncut strands of his hair make him feel alive in a way that he hasn't felt for a while. Despite how fast he's moving, even in the muddle and jam of central London, the weight of the form in his jacket feels like it's dragging him down.

Sirius forces all thoughts of what had been and what could have been as he approaches the little house on the hill, with the perfect lawn and picket-fence he's secretly yearned for all his life. This is the moment all the dreams he had growing up die for sure; the first moment that he's truly been on his own since he was eleven, and James had burst in with his bright eyes and raucous laughter, Remus following, and together they'd chased the dark out of Sirius.

His motorcycle is parked down the road, no longer welcome on the garden path or by the garage where Sirius used to waste long afternoons, tinkering with his bike and showing a wide-eyed Harry the different bike parts he'd brought home to mend. He steels himself for Remus' accusatory stare, or even worse, indifference in his eyes as he takes in the miserable state Sirius is in now. And worst of all, he doesn't know how he'll handle Harry's questions and his eyes, which only serve to remind Sirius of just how many of his loved ones he's let down.

Each step down the garden path lasts an eternity, and the paper in his pocket is a rock. He finally musters up the courage to knock weakly upon the door, hesitating before forcing himself to get on with it and do it.

It takes a minute, but soon the door swings open, and a familiar smell Sirius has missed for so long washes over him, and Remus is standing there, flour on his cheek, and his eyes and hair as honey-like as the first time Sirius had been fortunate enough to have laid eyes on him. Sirius tries to speak, but his mouth moves uselessly and the words swell in his throat and stick like bile, so he swallows them down.

Remus' expression is carefully neutral, and his eyes are guarded, but Sirius knows him well enough to recognise the pain behind them. He tears his own eyes away, unable to acknowledge it for one second longer. Sirius fumbles around in his jacket and grasps at the sheet of paper tucked away in there, holding it out clumsily to Remus, refusing to look at him all the while.

Remus stares down at the piece of paper emotionlessly, and moves his gaze to Sirius' face. "Come in," he says flatly, moving aside to allow Sirius in.

Sirius follows him reluctantly down the hall to the kitchen without looking around, afraid he'll see an ancient relic or a photograph Remus had forgotten to take down, and that the tears he's been biting back will escape.

He takes a seat at the table, as does Remus, and busies himself with tracing the swirling patterns on the wood. Neither of them say a word, but he can feel Remus' eyes on his face. Disappointed, maybe. Or perhaps he's ashamed of what a coward Sirius is, just like Sirius is himself.

"The document?" Remus asks, but he isn't asking really.

Sirius slides it across the table, and Remus straightens it out, and reaches for his pen-holder, his mouth tightening disapprovingly at the messy scrawl Sirius has provided instead of a signature. "I can barely read this."

Sirius shrugs. "Yeah, well."

Remus raises his eyebrows, but doesn't respond, shaking the ink pen out. "It'll be over, once we sign this paper," he says. "Forever."

"I know. That's why I've already signed it," Sirius responds bitingly. His nails bite into the wood of the table, trying to get through to the soft skin of his palms. His eyes burn, and he tries not to think of how handsome Remus looked that day, with his golden hair, and his golden eyes, and his golden heart, surrounded by friends and family, and his eyes full of nothing but love and adoration for Sirius, love and adoration Sirius didn't deserve.

Remus purses his lips and picks up the pen with firmer fingers.

"I'm sorry," Sirius says, faster than he can stop himself.

Remus' hands freeze, and he looks up in Sirius in disbelief. "What?"

"I'm sorry," repeats Sirius. "I shouldn't have said that. It was rude of me."

Remus nods. "Yes, well. It's -- it's all right." His eyes return to the paper, and he reads over it one last time, carefully smoothing out the wrinkles Sirius has put in it. He smiles, soft and bittersweet, and it almost stops Sirius' heart to see. "Wonder how it all happened. Us. This."

Sirius coughs, and subtly brushes an eyelash away from his eye.

"Guess we just fell apart," Remus shrugs, still smiling that awful smile. "I mean, you see it happening, but I couldn't help but think it would never happen with us."

"Me -- me too," Sirius croaks, feeling a thousand years old. His voice won't stop cracking, and he hates himself for it.

"For a while, I thought we were going to make it through. After James and Lily died. Even if it was just for Harry. I suppose I was wrong." He smiles at Sirius again, a sad thing that lifts the corner of his mouth half-heartedly, and Sirius wonders how long it's been since Remus last smiled properly.

"And Harry?" asks Sirius, a little more life in his voice. "How is he?"

"He's sleeping," Remus answers quickly. "I wasn't -- I wasn't sure how good it would be for him to see you. To see us like this."

"You're probably right," rasps Sirius. He wishes he could be the perfect Godfather to Harry, the parent that Harry deserves, but he isn't, and he hates himself for it. He feels guilty for feeling relieved that he won't have to see Harry, and he knows Remus can see it.

"He misses you a lot, you know. Won't stop asking about you."

Sirius can hear the bitterness in Remus' laugh. "I'm sorry," he repeats dumbly, for the third time.

"Don't be," says Remus briskly, before seizing the pen and moving it towards the paper in earnest this time. "Both of us played our part in this."

That isn't true. Sirius knows that he's the one to blame, just as well as Remus does. He watches the pen lift and drop, arcing smoothly down towards the paper . . .

"Stop." The word spills from Sirius' lips, louder than he'd intended for it to, and he realises he's standing up.

Remus blinks, and looks up at him. "Stop?" he asks quizically. "You're the one who asked for this. Isn't this what you wanted?"

Sirius' chest is heaving, and he clutches onto the table. "I don't know," he says, panicking.

Remus sets the pen down. "You don't know?" he repeats scathingly.

He's hurt, and Sirius knows he has every right to be.

"I don't want you to not be my husband." He forces the words out, even though they tear at him inside.

"You haven't been a very good husband, lately," Remus says at last, and Sirius is horrified to see tears glistening around his lashes.

"I know. And I haven't been a good father to Harry, either. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry. And I can't promise you I'll fix myself and make it all better right away, because I can't. But I'm still so in love with you, and being away from you is the worst thing I've done to myself, ever. And I've done some pretty fucked up shit." He chokes a weak laugh out, and reaches up a hand to brush away the tears that are already falling from his eyes. He sits back down.

Remus hasn't said anything for the past minute, but the tears by his lashes have begun to fall from his honey-coloured eyes.

"Don't," says Sirius harshly, once he's managed to wipe the dampness away from his own eyes. "Don't cry over me. I don't deserve it."

His voice cracks as he says it, and his throat aches like it never has before, and the shame is overwhelming, so he hides his face in his palm, and tries to look anywhere but Moony's face.

Remus makes no move to stem the tears that flow from his eyes, as he continues to stare at him, golden eyes on washed-out grey. He picks up the awful paper, and crumples it in his hand like Sirius has wanted to do since he first printed the form out, and he tosses it to the floor.

He reaches across the table, and takes Sirius' free hand. "Maybe we don't sign it just yet," he suggests.

"Judge'll be bloody annoyed," Sirius mumbles into his hand, before moving it so that he can look at Remus properly.

Remus smiles, and rubs his thumb gently across Sirius' hand in his. "I know. But I think we'll be okay."

#wolfstar #remus and sirius married #divorce #moomy and dadfoot #remus and sirius raise harry #marauders #modern marauders #marauders au #marauders fic #married wolfstar #angst #wolfstar angst #angst with a happy ending #y'all can't hate me for this #harry potter #james and lily are dead #sirius' motorbike #zfs #sirius x remus

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atticusm · 4 years ago

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*clears throat* hi, is this thing working? i’m candy, broadcasting from aest and i go by she/her pronouns. may i present my baby atticus! i did not intent for this introduction to get as long as it has, so i am sooOOOooo sorry about that. in short, this is my kindergarten teacher that takes a while to warm up to people but likes to talk ... take that as you will. he likes to have fun when he’s in the mood and loves his job and will do anything for his loved ones. give this a like if you’d like to plot and i’ll head to your dms, or hmu either or! stats, wanted connections and all that jazz to come i’m just to excited. ENJOY :’) @mapleviewstarters

full name : atticus james maitland nickname(s) : ace , atta , atti ( rare ) birth date : october twenty-seven zodiac sign : scorpio age : twenty-seven gender : cis male pronouns : he / him / his sexual orientation : bisexual romantic orientation : biromantic education : high school diploma , bachelor of arts in elementary education , teaching license/certification

tw: infidelity.

BACKGROUND

born three years after his older brother, atticus was brought into what seemed to be a happy, stereotypical “ everyday ” family - yet by the age of two karissa and heath maitland’s mariage was anything but a joyous one. to the outside world the maitland family were the one’s that would be there whenever someone needed a helping hand, would be the first to put their hand up for community activities, be seen smiling and have no qualms. behind closed doors, however, that was not the case.

atticus grew up with his mother and father arguing profusely or even barely speaking to each other on a regular basis. there were times that they got along, of course, but atticus always looks back on his childhood filled with tension. like he was walking on eggshells. the most he had fun with his family was when they went on holidays or were out and about in general, simply because his parents would put on an act. dare anybody in mapleview know what was going on between them.

when atticus began to find his voice, he began to step in when his parents would argue; telling them to stop though it would only get him so far. sometimes they wouldn’t hear him when he was very young, or they would demand him go to his room and they were having an adult discussion. as time went on, karissa would back down and she, atticus and his brother would often go for a walk together. they would often talk about everything about anything, would find something to do together and she soon became his favourite person.

when it came to school, he went through phases of loving it, then hating it and then coming around to loving it again. this didn’t change much all the way through to the end of high school. there was a lot he liked about school as he got older - mainly because he could get out of the house and talk to people, find new things to do and explore new interests. some interests his parents wouldn’t be too happy to hear about, like getting his first stick and poke tattoo at sixteen in his best friends basement.

around the start of his final year of high school, a fight between karissa and heath broke out as per normal in the early hours of the morning. it had woken atticus from the slamming of doors and screaming between them, but what took him from his bed was the sound of their family car leaving the driveway. he doesn’t ever remember seeing his mother cry before that point, and seeing her sitting on the back porch in the moonlight trying to muffle her crying broke him.

turns out heath had been had been having an affair, and it wasn’t the first time he had cheated on karissa. it had happened when he was seven, though they had agreed to work through it for the two boys - much to atticus’ disgust. he sat with her that night, and although she didn’t want to to begin with, she let him comfort her and she talked about it all to him.

by the end of his senior year, his parents had were living in separate houses and filling for divorce. and atticus was all for it as much as it hurt him. he knew it would be for the best. they couldn’t stay together any longer and the fact they stayed together for him and his brother riddled him with guilt. not only did he feel guilty for being the reason they stayed together, he also felt bad for how people would’ve seen their family after the divorce was finalized.

COLLEGE/TEACHING

atticus went straight to college, not wanting to muck around and waste time in getting his degree. he studies hard, but that didn’t mean he didn’t party hard. one third of college was spent drunk/hungover, another was spent with his head in the books and the other was on practical work placement. the minute he stepped into a classroom on his student teaching placement he knew there was no turning back ( not that the debt would be a deterrence ).

he graduated at twenty-two, spent one school year as a teaching assistant at the elementary school and applied the year of his twenty-forth birthday. luckily, he got the job as a kindergarten teacher. this will be his third year teaching kindergarten.

atticus has always loved children and has always been interested in the idea of teaching, specifically younger children. he loves always learning new things, which teaching can certainly do for him, but mainly he wants to be able to impact the lives of children in a positive way and make a difference. children are the leaders of tomorrow and if he can make that difference, make a child smile or make coming to school fun, then he feels like he’s accomplished something in his life. he knows that he remembers his teachers that made him feel like he could do anything and be who he wanted to be. not only that, but he certainly needed a positive adult figure at that age when home life was filled with such tension.

PRESENT

at the moment, atticus is renting a nice little house in chestnut drive while he saves for his own house. he is very comfortable with who he is and whoever thinks otherwise is free to their opinion, but he doesn’t care for it.

he is not on speaking turns with his father, and hasn’t been since mid college. he would rather chew off his own arm than speak to him. atticus is well aware he is holding a gruge, but he doesn’t care; maybe in ten years time he’ll loosen up but not any time soon. thankfully, heath moved out of town so not speaking to him makes it easier.

this is all i have for now but let’s build on this by plots!

PERSONALITY

atticus can have a lot of fun, you just have to get him in the right mood. he won’t go out for night on the town if he’s feeling low because he’s just going to have a depressive come down and how self destructive he can be. he had his reckless days, and he’s more aware of the consequences his actions cause.

with that being said! he’s very social, loves to talk as long as it’s not about himself too deeply. will be that guy that won’t leave you sitting alone and will engage in conversation with anyone about almost anything.

his moods can be very up and down, leaving him to be very unpredictable. one week he’ll be very happy and cheery and the next he’ll be extra reserved, keeping to himself and his thoughts.

atticus keeps people at a distance and will be very suspicious of those he doesn’t know. there are times he honestly wishes he could be a mind reader because it would put him at ease ( at least a little bit ). it takes him a long time to warm up to people and when he does, he forms very deep connections with them. he has a lot of people he knows, but few close friends.

touching on that, he will do just about anything for those he cares for. he is vengeful, cunning and will bide his time to take out his payback if need be if someone hurts his loved ones. he will always keep his job in the back of his mind, and if he needs to, he will get someone to do his dirty work for him ( don’t come at me for it ). when he cares for you, you’re basically like family to him.

he is a very caring, loving gentleman and affectionate deep in his core. whenever a child comes in upset, after making sure the class is working away in groups, he’ll talk to them. or whenever they’re hurt, he’s the first one they call over. in his personal life, atticus is definitely the person you can ring in the middle of the night if you need help and he will be there one he’s made a quick instant coffee for the both of you.

very very passionate about his job! atticus stays up late some nights looking for new work ideas, stays back late to hang up artwork, is in early more often than not to make sure the classroom is set up just right.

he loves to express himself through his clothes; wearing colours and patterns and flared pants. much like harry but tries not to go too over the top for the workplace. catch him after work showing off those tattoos ( that i will write about on his stats page ) with low cut tops and patterned vests, or silk pants, ruffled blouses. that is where his money goes.

#mapleviewintro #this was so choppy i know it but my eyes are burning #this is what i have so far but let's plot #god i hope this was ok tell me if i'm missing anything

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matrixaffiliate · 4 years ago

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Endeavor

Chapter Update! FFN and AO3

I hope you have a fabulous week because you're a wonderful person! Our next update will be on Friday, October 2nd!

Chapter 12

"Have you been reading my detailed comments?" Ted asked as his thumb drew patterns on the back of Vic's hand. He'd read straight through her novel two weeks ago, then went back and had been spending the last week adding comments to her document.

Vic rolled her eyes as they walked up the drive to the Potter's home and tried to calm the nervous feeling that was trying to overpower her. Nervous because knowing she and Ted had been invited as a couple seemed to put a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach.

"Ted, you're leaving comments on every paragraph. How do you expect me to read that many comments? It's a hundred-thousand-word document! Especially with starting my new editing job on Monday?"

"You're an author, doesn't that mean you love to read every critique of the work you create?" He teased.

Vic shoved his shoulder with hers but smiled.

"You're ridiculous, you know?"

"Yes, but you're the one holding my hand, so where does that leave you?"

"Nervous about being here tonight as your girlfriend rather than only their niece," she admitted quietly.

"Hey," Ted stopped them and pulled her into him, "Harry and Ginny love you and there is no way they aren't happy for us, so please try to trust that they aren't out to get you."

Vic nodded but she couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was out to make Ted see what a bad choice he made in giving her a chance.

Ted rapped his knuckles against the old door and they were both swept into a warm hug once Ginny opened.

"Vicky! Teddy! Come in, come in!"

"Thanks, Ginny," Ted grinned as he kicked off his shoes. "You should know that Mum and Dad are going to be supremely jealous when I tell them I brought Vic here before I brought her home to meet them."

Ginny shook her head at his teasing. "Teddy, dear, Victoire is my niece. I knew her for two decades before you did."

"But you also knew me for the same time before Vic knew me, so I'd say it cancels that out." Ted grinned.

Ginny looked heavenward and laughed. "Why do the Marauders have to leave their mark on every male in this family?" She turned to Vic. "Would you believe that even my sweet Al was trying to be a smart mouth the other day?"

Vic laughed, feeling the nervous pit in her stomach start to ease just a bit.

"Al? Really?"

"Al's better at it than the rest of us." Ted walked with them into the kitchen. "He's more like my dad, and Dad always manages to get the best of the other three brothers."

"Heaven help me, then," Ginny chuckled.

"Why ask for heaven's help when I'm right here?" Harry winked at her as she moved to help him with dinner.

"You're a legacy of the problem, love." Ginny leant over and kissed his cheek.

"Ginny is bemoaning the way the Marauders are rubbing off on Al." Teddy sat down at the table and pulled Vic down with him.

"Bemoaning?" Ginny's eyebrows shot up and she turned to glare at Ted.

Vic covered her smile with her hand.

"I'm a simple man, Ginny," Ted grinned, "I use simple words."

Harry turned and Vic could see he was putting a great deal of effort into not laughing.

"You're in an odd humor today, Ted."

Ted shrugged, "I'm happy."

Then he grinned over at Vic and squeezed her thigh. Vic felt the shy smile break across her face and knew there was no way she could stop it.

"Hands above the table!" Jamie shouted behind them, causing Vic to almost fall off her chair.

Vic turned to glare at her cousin feeling her face heat up, unconsciously directing some of her anxiety into the anger that bubbled at his surprising her.

"Are you going to make a habit of tormenting us every chance you get?" She shot at him. Why couldn't Jamie just leave her alone?

"Whoa," Jamie held up his hands, "I'm just playing Vicky, you know it's all in good fun."

Vic huffed, "You've never done this to me before."

"Yeah, well, Sean was a bit of a prick."

Vic felt like Jamie had just kicked her in the chest. She knew she and Sean hadn't been right for each other, but she hadn't thought he was an awful person.

"James!" Ginny gave her son a pointed stare.

"What?" Jamie defended as he pulled a soda can out of the fridge. "We all knew he was; it just took Vicky a while to see it. But she saw the light in the end and now she's with Ted and we can all breathe easy again."

Vic dropped her eyes down and realized she was wringing her hands. Did everyone feel that she had been dating a prick? Was the whole family talking about her poor choices behind her back, not saying anything because they all believed she wouldn't listen to reason? If everyone knew Sean was awful, why had no one made a point of showing her?

"Why don't you see if Al or Lily needs anything, Jamie?" Harry stepped between his eldest son and his wife, who was staring at the teen with menacing eyes.

Jamie glanced between his mum and Vic and then looked at his dad. "Yeah, good idea."

"Are you going to talk to him?" Ginny turned her dangerous glare to Harry.

"I'll talk him through it, love," Harry soothed, giving her a quick kiss. Ginny pursed her lips before seeming to decide to let it lie for now.

"I'm sorry," Vic kept her focus down at the table. "I shouldn't have goaded him."

"You're fine, Vic," Ted moved his arm to wrap it around her shoulders. "We're all a bit difficult when we're teenagers."

Vic bit her lip and leant into him, trying to take as much comfort as she possibly could in the warmth of his embrace.

"Are you excited about your new job?" Ginny asked in an attempt to change the subject.

Vic smiled, "I am, but I'm a little nervous too. I didn't really think that I'd get this one when you sent it to me. Most people I know write for a long time before they become assistant editors."

"But you have been writing dear," Ginny handed Harry the oven mitts and he pulled out the shepherd's pie that Grandma Molly made him teach her how to make. "You were the sole creator of Ron's initial website for his new company, all that text was put there by you. You handled the blog, you handled the page information, that site was all you."

"Plus your book," Ted added. "That's a lot of writing experience."

Vic started to object again but Ginny held up her hand.

"You'll do just fine, dear. I've known Emmeline for almost as long as I've known Harry, she wouldn't have hired you if she didn't think you were right for the job."

Vic nodded, but she still felt nervous. Why did it feel like everything made her nervous these days? Harry moved the large pie to the table and Vic tried to use it as a way to change the subject. She was done having the conversation revolve around her questionable life choices

"This is one of my favorite meals." She gestured to the shepherd's pie.

Ted hummed his agreement. "Aunt Lily's shepherd's pie is pretty amazing."

"I thought it was Uncle Harry's recipe?" Vic turned to him, grateful that Ted pushed the conversation away from the topics that made her stomach clench.

"Who do you think taught me how to make it?" Harry chuckled.

"I guess I forget sometimes that you and my aunts have families outside of us." Vic felt a bit sheepish. "I'm sure Aunt Hermione and the rest of them have recipes that are their parents' too, huh?"

Ginny laughed loud and Harry smiled at Vic's confused face. "Have you ever noticed that your Aunt Hermione doesn't tend to cook much? Yes, her parents have recipes they've passed down, but they've passed them down to Ron. Hermione hates cooking."

Vic chuckled and was grateful when Ginny suggested she and Ted collect her cousins for dinner. And thankfully the Potter brood managed to keep the conversation spinning well enough that Vic was able to just sit back and enjoy. But her initial feeling of dread seemed well justified when Uncle Harry asked her to help him with getting the pudding out later that evening.

"Vicky," Harry handed her a stack of plates, "How are things?"

"Fine," Vic took the plates and set them out on the table, trying for all the world to look unconcerned as she pointedly ignored the clenching feeling in her stomach and the way her heart beat harder in her chest.

"Vic, we love you, you know that, right?"

She nodded, still refusing to look her uncle in the eye.

"Then what's going on? You've been really reserved and jumpy tonight."

Vic bit her lip and tried for boldness, but when she met Uncle Harry's gaze, she realized how foolish an idea that had been. She was not strong enough to shrug this off while looking him in the eye.

"Are you unhappy with Teddy?" Harry pressed.

"No!" Vic felt the air rush out of her.

"Well, then what's going on?"

Vic bit her lip before falling into one of the chairs and wrapping her arms around her waist.

"You know what happened before we got together. Aren't you worried about Ted being with me?"

Harry stared at her blankly. "I'm sorry, that one completely missed me."

"Harry, I was encouraging Ted's flirting while I was dating and engaged to Sean. Wouldn't you be worried if Jamie started dating someone you knew wasn't faithful to their previous relationship?" Vic didn't dare look up at her uncle. She almost expected him to go talk to Ted then and now and convince him to wash his hands of her.

"What does Teddy say about what you're getting at here?" Harry came to sit across from her.

Vic shook her head. "He keeps telling me that I'm crazy."

"Then I'm going to side with Teddy."

Vic squeezed her arms tighter around herself. "You mean how everyone sided with me while I was in a relationship that I shouldn't have been in?"

Harry sighed. "Vicky, we love you, and if you had decided you did love Sean, then we would have done what we could to support you in that relationship."

"Even though everyone thought he was a prick? Even though it would have been bad for me to stay with him?" Vic finally looked up at Harry.

"Vicky, one of the things that come with being an adult is that the grown-ups that raised you have to back off and let you make your own decisions, and let you deal with whatever those consequences happen to be. We all still want to help you, and we may make suggestions along the way, but we can't dictate your lives. How else will you learn other than having to make your decisions and live with the consequences of them?"

"So, even if being with me is bad for Ted, you'll not try to stop him?"

Harry chuckled, "I've not seen Ted happier than I see him now with you, but yes, even if he was unhappy, I wouldn't try to sabotage your relationship with him. If he came to me for help, I would definitely try to help him find happiness, but I would never tell him to break off a relationship. Those sorts of decisions are personal ones, and they have to come from the individual."

Vic took a deep breath and forced herself to ask one last question. "What about the rest of your family, would they do the same thing?"

"Who do you think taught me that when a kid becomes an adult the grown-ups have to let them learn from their own choices?"

"So, no one is going to try and talk Ted out of being with me?"

"No, Vicky, I think the only person you need to be concerned about in that area is yourself."

Vic blinked, "What?"

"If you can't believe that you're worthy of being loved, then sooner or later, you'll be the one to walk away."

Vic sat in stunned silence as her uncle's words washed over her, but before she could respond, Lily came bounding in asking if it was time for dessert yet.

Uncle Harry's comment felt an awful lot like the list that her mum had written several months ago. She really wished that everyone would stop trying to vaguely point her in the right direction and just tell her what she needed to do. But Harry's comment about loving herself made her feel suddenly exposed in the worst way. She wanted to put on a sweatshirt and curl under a blanket. Why did the concept of loving herself make her want to find a rock to hide under? Vic realized it was probably close to the same reason that her mum's list made her want to tear the page out of her notebook and burn it.

"You ok?" Ted pulled her into him as they walked from the Potter's to his car. "You've been pretty quiet tonight."

Vic rested her head against his shoulder and sighed, "I'm starting to realize that I might have farther to go than I think I want to."

"You missed me," Ted leant back against his car and pulled her close to his chest. Vic let her arms snake around his neck and tried to enjoy the feeling of being wrapped up in Ted's embrace.

"My mum, and Uncle Harry, both seem to think that I've got some personal growth I could be doing, and I'm feeling like what they're suggesting is more than I might be able to handle."

"How can I help?" Ted dropped his face and nuzzled her cheek with his nose.

"I don't even know where to start, Ted, let alone how you could help."

Ted pulled his chin down her cheek, his five o'clock shadow pulling a giggle out of her.

"Well, maybe we sit down together, look at where you are, and see if between the two of us we can find a way forward, along with how I can help."

Vic bit her lip and pulled back to look at him. "This is scary."

"My mum says that most things that are worthwhile are scary." Ted soothed as he rubbed his hands up and down her back. "But you don't have to do it alone. Scary things aren't so bad when we do them with other people."

"Are you some self-exploratory expert then?"

Ted laughed and brought his lips to hers. Vic pulled closer, pressing up on her toes to deepen the kiss.

"There's the real Vic, I knew she couldn't have gone far." Ted murmured against her.

"What does that even mean?" She chuckled.

"You go get things, Vic. I'm not a self-help expert, but I know that you go get what you want, and that's the only thing you really need." Then he nipped at her ear. "And I'm never going to turn down excuses to spend more time with you."

He kissed down her neck and Vic hummed as her fingers moved through his turquoise hair.

"We should probably stop snogging out here," she sighed as he slowly moved his lips closer to hers. "I'm waiting for Jamie to come out and yell at us to stop."

Ted smirked as he pulled back, "You're probably right, but this is why I have a flat of my own."

"Why don't we take advantage of that before you take me home?" Vic finally started to feel more herself as Ted's appreciative hum vibrated in his chest against hers.

"See every now and again you have these amazing ideas and I end up wondering how I ever managed to make it this far without you."

"You're ridiculous," she pressed forward again, running her tongue against his lips.

"And you're kissing me," Ted murmured, pulling her flush against him and moving a hand to her hair.

"Will you two get a room!?" Jamie yelled from his bedroom window, looking down at the two of them in the front-drive.

"We were just on our way out, Jamie," Ted called back up to him as he reached behind him to open the car door.

When she finally made it home, Victoire opened up the notebook that had her mum's notes in it and read them again.

You and your desires are important.

You are a good person.

You are brave.

You must decide your life's story.

A few lines underneath them she added Uncle Harry's advice.

If you can't believe that you're worthy of being loved, then sooner or later, you'll be the one to walk away.

She didn't feel any closer to finding herself, but seeing it all laid out in front of her, she realized that Uncle Harry's words had given her a bit of direction. Maybe if she could just believe these things, then maybe it would help her see the way forward. And knowing that Ted was going to try and help her made her feel a little less like she was floundering.

Vic was pulled from her internal struggle by the chime of her text message notification.

Ted: Have you read my comments yet?

She laughed and pulled her laptop to her.

Vic: I was just about to start.

Ted's typing bubble made her giddy.

Ted: Good. I think you're going to like what I've put so far.

Vic typed in her password and waited for her computer to log in.

Vic: I'm sure that I'll wonder if we're reading the same document.

She bit her lip and smiled. Teasing Ted was almost as much fun as kissing him.

Ted: Stop that. Go read my comments and you'll see this story of yours is going to be big.

Vic rolled her eyes and opened her browser.

Vic: You have to say that, you're my boyfriend.

Ted's response was almost instant.

Ted: No, I have to say it because it's true. Now stop texting me and start reading. ;)

Vic opened the document and sighed. She hadn't read through her story in almost a year now. It felt like going back to an old childhood favorite food and it made her nervous. She'd liked some pretty awful things when she was a kid, some good things too, but a lot of things that now she found repugnant. Was she about to find out that she had spent three years on something that she now hated? Vic tried to breathe through the anxiety and took a deep breath.

"Let's get this over with." And she started reading.

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